


if we can't be together, i will leave this world behind

by tenzosgarden



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Blood, Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, but tenzo is here to Help, but they are there for eachother!, i hate hiruzen and i made it very clear, in case you were wondering how old they all are, kakashi is 24, kakashi is Not Having A Good Time Right Now, not focused on one specific character it'll switch off bc i cant pick!, tenzo is 22, tenzo speaks in italics bc hes Expressive, the Children are all like 8, they are idiots!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22202749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenzosgarden/pseuds/tenzosgarden
Summary: Kakashi's thoughts are tearing him apart. Thinking he deserves it, he lets them.But Tenzō doesn't.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou
Comments: 106
Kudos: 171





	1. how's one meant to grow when walls keep caving in?

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS (chapter 1 only):  
> \- blood  
> \- mentions of death  
> \- depression
> 
> this is my first fic! i hope you guys enjoy it!

Kakashi couldn’t remember when he turned the sink on. If someone asked him how long he’d been positioned before the endless stream of water, he couldn’t tell them. The only thing he knew was that his hands, his wretched, filthy hands, were still stained with blood. Only it wasn’t just blood, but a reminder of the guilt he felt. The guilt he must always feel. But even so, Kakashi knew that no amount of it would ever be enough to shadow his actions. 

They were waiting for him. His team. Kakashi was already late enough, and he hadn’t even put his shoes on yet. He twisted the knob on his faucet and reached for a towel draped over the counter. After drying them off, he examined his hands one last time. His fingers were pruned, his palms sore, his skin imprinted with the outlines of his nails. But to Kakashi, the only thing that stood out was a dark and crimson illusion. 

He left his room in a haste, feeling uneasy about making his team wait any longer. Kakashi was always the last to get there, they were all probably used to it by now. But that’s no way for a proper shinobi to act, especially the team’s captain. As he walked, Kakashi noted to himself that he’d try to work on it. 

He stood in front of the locker room door, staring forward as if it’d open on its own. Kakashi had been in the ANBU for over a decade now, coming to the same place every morning. It was routine at this point. Wanting to attract as little attention as possible, Kakashi slid the door open just enough to get through and quietly made his way inside. Before he could even spot his locker, his silent entrance was interrupted by an all too familiar voice. 

“There you are!” Of course Tenzō had noticed him the moment he stepped foot in the room. Nothing could get past his enormous eyes, ones that nearly took up half his face. 

“What? Did you sleep so well you forgot to wake up?” He added on, practically materializing by his captain’s side. 

“You got me,” Kakashi replied with a sigh. Tenzo watched as he dug through the mess of gear in his locker, retrieved what he needed, and shut the door. 

“When we come back remind me to organize that for you. Again.” Tenzo said as he shook his head disapprovingly. 

“I never asked you to do it the first time, you know. You were the one who was all like ‘Ew! Captain! I’m getting hives from just _looking_ in there!’” A smile crept onto Kakashi’s face with this response, his kouhai always had a way of making that happen somehow. 

“That is _not_ what I sound like,” Tenzo mumbled, following Kakashi to where the rest of their team was. 

There were four other shinobi besides Kakashi that made up Team Ro, and not one of them dared to speak while he explained their mission. In Tenzō’s case, this was purely out of respect. For the others however, there was another layer. Evidently, nicknames like “friend-killer Kakashi” had a way of sticking around. Yoji, Kō, and Yugao had all known their captain for years, but still, nothing could erase the shred of fear left over from when they heard about what he had done. 

“Our mission today is in Hoshigakure,” Kakashi’s explanations were always just enough. He didn’t see a point to adding unnecessary information. “The village officials sent complaints regarding a group of bandits stealing from and harassing citizens,” He paused and looked at the shinobi before him. Would they notice his hesitation? 

“They’ve requested elimination on sight.” He quickly tacked on, finishing his explanation. No matter how wrong it seemed, there was nothing that could be done. “Hoshigakure is only a few hours away. We’ll be back by sundown if we leave now.” Kakashi allowed for a chorus of “yes sir” before leading his team outside. 

“How are we even supposed to find these bandits? Are they really gonna be out and about in broad daylight? Do you even have a description of what they look like?” The voice came from behind Kakashi, as if on command. Tenzō knew perfectly well that his captain had all the information he needed. He knew the mission would be a success like always. That was never the reason why he teased Kakashi with a barrage of questions. 

Kakashi didn’t say anything, only sighed and rolled his eyes. But even under his mask, Tenzō could tell that he was smiling. 

The five shinobi continued on mostly in silence. No one in the ANBU was very talkative or outgoing, their line of work didn’t necessarily call for much chatter. Members of the ANBU were picked carefully by the Hokage; he knew exactly what type of person was right for the job. One who would focus solely on the task at hand, never allowing for any distractions. In that sense, Kakashi was his ideal choice. By the time he was thirteen, Hiruzen grasped the opportunity without so much as a second thought. Kakashi hardly had a say in this decision, but due to his desperation for a purpose, he would’ve agreed anyway. He’d been in the ANBU for eleven years now, and it seemed like nothing had changed since he was a teenager. Same team, same ranking, same missions. Of course he went to different villages and for different reasons, but the outcomes were all the same. Every mission ended in the death of another. Somebody he never knew, or spoke to, or heard of. He would take their life and move on to the next. It was always the same. 

Kakashi shifted his eyes to the side in an attempt to abandon his current train of thought. Tenzō was there, matching his pace perfectly, with the others following close behind. It had been that way since the day Tenzō joined the ANBU. At first, Kakashi thought it was because his kouhai was intimidated by the rest of Team Ro, as he didn’t know any of them yet. However, Tenzō had been a member of the team for four years now. There’s been plenty of time to bond with his other teammates. Even so, he never stuck to any of them like he did to Kakashi. 

As Kakashi noticed the surrounding woods thinning out, he knew they had almost made it to Hoshigakure. He threw up his right arm signifying a temporary stop. 

“Hoshigakure is only about a ten-minute walk from here. The bandits’ hideout is also nearby. We’ll continue on the ground.” With this, the five of them dropped from their respective branches and landed without a sound in the grass below.

“How do you even know where the hideout is? Maybe _you’re_ one of the bandits,” Tenzō piped up as the team began walking. 

“I can’t believe my cover’s already been blown,” Kakashi deadpanned. Tenzō only laughed in response. 

“And I can’t believe we almost fell for your obvious trap,” He added, knocking on the side of his captain’s mask. 

“You really are too smart for your own good, huh? What are you wasting your time in the ANBU for?” Kakashi retorted, swiping Tenzō’s hand away. 

“You’re absolutely right. That’s it, as soon as we come back, I’m filling out an application to become Hokage.” 

The two of them shared a mutual feeling of distaste for the Third Hokage. Tenzō especially, never truly getting over the way he turned a blind eye to Danzo’s Foundation. Tenzō knew better than anyone the kind of horrors Foundation shinobi experienced. The man was ruthless in his training processes; and he made no exceptions. He was obsessed with uniformity, so every shinobi had to fit an ideal mold. If one dared to fall out of place, there were plenty of punishments up his sleeves to make sure it never happened again. Tenzō never let it show, but something about this ideology never sat right with him. Once he was freed and able to join the ANBU, he began to realize how truly disgusting it all was. But the Third Hokage allowing these actions to continue was no better; he was just as responsible. 

“Well it’s about time,” Kakashi replied, knowing the way his kouhai felt about Konoha leadership. 

After hearing a curt “mhmm” from Tenzō, he pulled a folded map from his pocket. Kakashi glanced at it for a moment before raising his arm to signal a stop. 

“The hideout is up ahead. The mission description calls the place a ‘cave-like structure,’ and after investigating, only five bandits have been sighted. This is no S-Rank mission, but everyone should still be on guard from here on out.” He glanced back at his team, nodded once, and lead them forward. 

“A cave? How creative,” Tenzō said, grabbing a corner of Kakashi’s map to peek at before he put it away again. 

“What would you have chosen instead then? Enlighten me, please,” He replied, snatching back the map. 

“What are you asking me for? You’re one of them, remember?” Tenzō mumbled, crossing his arms and twisting his head in the opposite direction. This resulted in a soft chuckle from Kakashi, instantly softening the other man’s exaggerated expression beneath his mask.

“Kō, do you see anything up ahead?” Kakashi asked the Byakugan user as they continued walking. The five of them paused as they waited for their teammate to observe the surrounding area. He only furrowed his brows before responding to his captain. 

“No, sir. I think I can see the cave but there’s no one there. They could just be hiding deeper inside though, it’s too dark to tell.” 

“So much for this being an easy one,” Yugao muttered on an exhale, shifting the sword secured on her back to a more convenient position. 

“This isn’t anything serious. We just need to make a slight adjustment, that’s all,” Kakashi began before anyone else decided to complain. “Kō, Yugao, Yoji, you three do a thorough check of the woods around here. Make sure to guard Kō while he’s using his Byakugan. Got it?” The three shinobi he spoke to nodded in sync. Before continuing, he turned his head to the side, only to be met with Tenzō’s gaze. His eyes were visible even through the small openings of his mask. Ever since the two of them met, Kakashi liked to think that they were the warmest eyes he’d ever seen. Their color was certainly captivating, a brown both rich and full of mystery; but that wasn’t the reason why. There was something about the way he looked at Kakashi, something so soft and simple, that made him feel like everything was right in the world. Even if it was just for a moment. He let himself stare for a moment, half-expecting a sarcastic comment, but one never came. 

“You and I are gonna make sure that hideout of theirs is really empty,” Kakashi finally said, desperately trying to look at something, anything else. What was he doing, losing himself in Tenzō’s stupidly big eyes like that? 

In place of a response, he simply stepped closer to his captain and nodded once. 

“Make sure you three don’t go too far in case we need to fight them all together, even though that’s unlikely,” Kakashi took one last look at his team before turning his attention solely to Tenzō. 

“Now let’s get going.” He meant to say it louder, but the sound was swallowed by the two masks shielding his face. 

* * *

The two of them walked on in a peaceful quiet. Tenzō was aware of how focused Kakashi became just before a mission’s climax, he knew better than to disturb him. Besides, he didn’t want to run the risk of giving away their position because of someone hearing voices. He decided to try getting into the same mindset as his captain, shifting his attention to the task at hand and nothing else. To his surprise however, his thoughts were interrupted by Kakashi himself of all things. 

“Look, over there.” Tenzō’s eyes immediately followed to where Kakashi was pointing, expecting to see the enemy, or perhaps some sort of clue. But this didn’t seem to be the case. The only thing in sight was a patch of wild daffodils. 

“Aren’t those your favorite?” He suddenly heard Kakashi ask as he turned to face him. They were. But Tenzō never expected his captain to remember such a minute detail about him, seeing as they last talked about it years ago. 

* * *

_“So, wait, can you actually grow plants too? Or do you just make wood on its own?”_

_“It’s a lot easier for me to make dry wood, but I can grow plants too. Some are really hard though.”_

_“Can you grow anything you want?”_

_“I guess so. I can only grow something once I learn its genetic code.”_

_“Does that take a long time?”_

_“Kinda, yeah.”_

_“What’s your favorite flower? Can you grow that?”_

_“I like daffodils, I think. And no, I still haven’t learned how to grow those.”_

_“Oh okay. I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“Yeah. Just let me know when you do, I wanna see.”_

_“You like daffodils too?”_

_“I think they’re okay.”_

* * *

It seemed like a century ago, back when they first met and knew nothing of each other. 

“Right. I had no idea they grew around here,” Tenzō finally said, still surprised by Kakashi’s unexpected pause. 

“Neither did I.” He replied while eyeing the plants in front of him.

“That’s nothing too shocking. I can’t even believe you knew what kind of flowers they were,” Tenzō grinned as he spoke. Kakashi was the one who killed the mission’s momentum, he could tease him all he wanted for the time being. 

“Sorry I’m not literally a _plant-_ ” Kakashi was cut off by his partner jabbing an elbow into his side. 

“For the last time I’m not a _plant!_ ” Tenzō shouted, failing miserably at hiding his laughter. Kakashi tried to shush him, but it wasn’t working out in the midst of something that could only resemble a wheeze. “And at least I don’t sound like an old man when I laugh,” This remark from Tenzō only made the two of them laugh harder, while still doing their best to be quiet about it. 

“Okay fine I’m a balding old man, let’s just get back to the mission,” Kakashi finally said coherently after taking a deep breath. 

“When did I ever say you were balding?” Tenzō questioned, throwing his hands up. 

“Okay, okay just _shh-_ ” 

“But I didn’t say-” 

“ _Shh!_ ” Kakashi interrupted, pushing his pointer finger against the other’s mask. Tenzō took a step back and huffed. 

The two of them quickly established a serious atmosphere once again, this was a mission after all. But still, nothing could crush the feeling of disappointment that they couldn’t continue joking around. Tenzō especially, who could think of at least a hundred other things to say. Before he ended up too lost in his head, he felt Kakashi tap his shoulder. Only this time he wasn’t pointing at wildflowers; they had finally reached the enemy hideout. Knowing that silence had become crucial at that point, Tenzō only nodded in affirmation and followed close behind his captain. 

The cave’s interior didn’t allow any kind of vision, even for those with the sharpest eyes. Wordlessly, Tenzō produced a soft, blue orb of light in the palm of his hand. He turned to see Kakashi’s mask, adorned with whirls of red and white, illuminated by the glow of his jutsu. Kakashi tilted his head down and proceeded forward, Tenzō mirroring his footsteps perfectly. 

They walked down a path that seemed never ending, devoid of color and life. There was nothing, save for the occasional stone decorating the earth, or the echoes of water dripping from the ceiling above them. Though they still had plenty of ground to cover, Tenzō starting having doubts about anyone else being in the hideout. They would’ve run into someone, something at least, by now. Just as he opened his mouth to share these thoughts with Kakashi, he was met with a soft gasp. 

“Tenzō-” Kakashi began, but his partner was already looking in the same place. Dozens of fiery globes blooming right before their eyes, swelling faster than they could even register. 

Paper bombs. This was a trap. The enemy had anticipated them. 

Not even a second passed before the deafening crack of splitting rock filled the space. Tenzō did the only thing he could think of. Kakashi couldn’t comprehend the situation before feeling a rushed, desperate force tightening around his forearms. Just then, another layer of darkness enveloped the two shinobi.


	2. the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their mission continues, and Tenzō has a lot of questions. They don't always get answered though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings (for this chapter only):  
> \- minor character death (not graphic)  
> \- blood  
> \- swearing

When Kakashi opened his eyes again, he saw nothing. He hadn’t even realized they were closed. His mind couldn’t catch up to whatever happened, it all went by too quickly.

He could hear something, someone breathing. The breaths were frantic, almost panicked. 

He could feel something too, something circling around his abdomen. Whatever it was tightened suddenly. 

“You okay?” Tenzō’s voice. At least he could figure that out right away. So _he_ must have been the one who’s breath Kakashi heard. After another second, he could tell that whatever still clung to his waist was also Tenzō. For some reason, Kakashi felt like he’d break up into fragments if the other let him go. So he decided to just stay still. 

“Mmh,” He mumbled, finally remembering that Tenzō had asked him something. It was meant to be an affirmation of sorts, but it came out as more of an unintelligible noise. 

“Good.” A hushed response. Tenzō must have understood anyway. “Listen. I think this hideout was just a trap we walked into. I had enough time to build a wooden dome so the cave wouldn’t collapse on us, but whoever set this up is probably right outside. We need to be ready.” His words were muffled, buried somewhere deep in Kakashi’s uniform. 

He could remember now. The explosion, the noise, the panic. In the split second he had to think, Kakashi was sure that an escape was impossible. Yet here he was, still standing upright; and it was warm, so warm. But that was just because of how close Tenzō was, refusing to let go even as he spoke. 

“Right. You- you’re right.” He managed, but his voice sounded unstable. He hoped Tenzō wouldn’t notice, but that was too much to ask. The soft pressure around Kakashi’s ribs lessened, and the space Tenzō had created between them instantly filled with cool air. He still couldn’t see a thing, but somehow he could feel a pair of eyes looking through him, he felt almost transparent. Then Tenzō spoke again. 

“Should I take it down? Or do you want to wait?” He paused. “No one’s gonna come in here, captain. We can wait.” It had been long enough already. This was still a mission, one that needed to end. 

“No, it’s fine. I’m ready if you are.” He did his best to sound more sure of himself this time. Not only to convince Tenzō though, he needed it just as much. 

“Right.” Immediately following this reply, Kakashi could hear his partners feet shifting across the uneven earth. He raised his head, preparing to meet whatever waited on the other side. Sounds of splitting wood invaded the quiet space the two of them had created, and then came the light. Beginning as a meager strip of white, swelling faster and faster until they were engulfed in it. Kakashi’s eyes couldn’t focus right away, but once they did, the first thing he could make out was the sun. 

* * * 

Once his wooden shelter dissipated, Tenzō could see that the floor of the cave had been completely exposed. Rubble was everywhere, save for the ellipse marked in the soil around him and Kakashi. 

“Damn it! Looks like we’re gonna have to kill these fuckers ourselves!” 

A voice he’d never heard before. Tenzō turned to face the direction it came from, but his eyes were still adjusting to the light. All he could see were a number of figures, nine or ten of them. But that couldn’t be right, the mission description had only listed five enemies. Could he be seeing double?

“Tenzō,” The sound of a sword being pulled from its holster. Kakashi could see them too. Once he heard his name, Tenzō stepped forward to align himself with his captain. “I think we got false-ranked.” A false rank was a common thing in the ANBU, usually seen from smaller villages like Hoshigakure when they couldn’t afford an A or S rank mission. Officials would lie about details in their mission descriptions to lower the rank. This looked to be a similar case. 

“We can take ‘em anyway,” Tenzō shot back. They’d been in much worse situations than this. He looked over at Kakashi, standing perfectly still, his face hidden behind the masks he wore. Tenzō found himself briefly wondering what kind of expression his partner was making underneath it all. 

“I wouldn’t get too ahead of yourselves. Leaf ANBU aren’t to be underestimated.” 

“Fuck off, Kamu. I’ll end this in a second, you’ll see.” 

All ten bandits were dressed similarly, bearing mostly dark colors. The one with the dirty mouth stood slightly in front of the others, making it known that he was the boss. 

“Yeah, hear that you bastards? You pissed me off by not gettin’ crushed before! Now you’re really dead!” Before he even finished this statement, he was already barrelling towards Tenzō and Kakashi, plowing through the shards of rock littering the ground. The blade he carried was enormous, posing a threat if they allowed him to get too close. But Tenzō already had a plan. He stepped forward to make sure his technique wouldn’t accidentally hit Kakashi and took a moment to focus. 

Tenzō possessed a myriad of jutsu. Some he learned from whatever scrolls Danzo provided during his time in the Foundation, while others he created by himself. Truth be told, he found that many of the First Hokage’s jutsu were impossible for him to learn as they were, so he needed to adapt somehow. This usually resulted in something completely new. 

After taking note of his enemy’s position, Tenzō threw his hands up into a sign and let his chakra surge. The enemy, previously so bold, was abruptly caught between two enormous growths sprouting from the ground up. The man didn’t even have time to come to a stop before being surrounded in a tangle of dark green, strategically wrapping around his limbs to immobilize him. He screamed; a pained, foul shriek. The vines Tenzō had grown were part of one of his most effective moves, featuring a swarm of poison-tipped thorns. He’d developed the poison a number of years back, lethal even in small doses. Because of this, he knew that the scene unfolding in front of him right then would be over quickly. The other nine bandits stood frozen, watching closely as their comrade’s knees gave out and he sank into the greenery that curled around him still. 

Tenzō glanced over his shoulder to find Kakashi looking back, he was ready. He sprang forward, sword in hand, not a moment’s hesitation. Because of Tenzō’s unusual jutsu, he’d often be able to catch the enemy entirely off guard. His teammates could then use the momentum he built up for an effective attack. It didn’t take long for this to become one of Team Ro’s best strategies. Before Kakashi could get too far, Tenzō broke his stance and followed suit. The two of them were largely outnumbered, so they each had to share the offensive equally. 

None of the nine bandits were very skilled as shinobi, especially when compared to elite members of Konoha ANBU. Tenzō didn’t find himself in need of his poison thorns anymore, mostly relying on simpler techniques. He was sure his partner was in the same situation; noticing only the occasional flash of lightning in his periphery. 

He had his final enemy was suspended in a wooden frame when he heard a noise, the sound of something falling to the ground from somewhere behind him. When he whipped his head around, all Tenzō saw was his partner’s hunched figure, the glint of a sword visible as it lied between blades of grass. But Kakashi stood unmoving, looking down at something. His hands. 

Tenzō watched for a moment; trying to come up with something to say, wanting to call out to his friend. However, he didn’t have enough time to figure it out before catching an unusual movement from the bushes growing behind Kakashi. 

It had only been a fragment of a second before a masked shinobi emerged from hiding, a kunai in each hand. They were fast, and they had a clear target. 

But Kakashi was still caught in a trance, like he’d left this reality completely. Tenzō hadn’t though, and he knew what was about to happen. 

“Kakashi!” 

His movements were instinctual. Hardly a moment passed before the ground was alive again, furious shoots of green erupting from it in every which way.

Luckily, shouting his name was enough to snap Kakashi out of whatever hypnotized him and he was able to avoid the path of his kouhai’s frantic efforts. The attacker failed, but Tenzō didn’t even want to think of what would’ve been if he took action any later.

He started forward in his partner’s direction, still shaken by whatever just happened. He’d never seen Kakashi so out of it before, especially during a mission like this. As he walked, Tenzō realized how shallow his breaths became. He stopped only a few steps from his captain, staring up at him, waiting, wondering. 

“Tenzō, I-” 

“Just tell me what’s wrong. There’s something wrong isn’t there? Did you really not notice that guy behind you?” Tenzō had many more questions in mind, but he decided to hold back until he heard a response. 

“No, I just- I was spacing out that’s all. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, you don’t need to worry about it.” Kakashi’s voice trailed off toward the end, perhaps he realized that he wasn’t convincing anyone. It wasn’t just what his words though; but his rigid stance, the way he clasped his hands behind his back as if he were desperately trying to hide them. 

“Did something happen to your hands?” Tenzō tried a more specific approach.

“My hands?”

“Why were you staring at them like that? Did you get hurt?” 

No reply came. Getting frustrated, Tenzō suddenly reached forward in hopes of revealing whatever it was that his captain shielded behind his back. Kakashi hurriedly dodged by stepping away, nearly tripping over his own feet. 

“I’m fine, Tenzō,” His voice was louder this time. “There was just blood on them, that’s all. See?” That part was true, but something important was still missing. Tenzō didn’t know what it could’ve been or why his partner refused to tell him, but he figured that there must’ve been a reason. He’d already asked enough questions. 

“We passed a stream while walking here. After you clean your hands off we should probably go find the others.” 

“Yeah, they’re probably looking for us anyway.” 

So on they went, to this promised source of water. Neither of them said another word, the only thing Tenzō could do was lead the way there. At least it was something.

The stream was incredibly clear, almost like liquid glass, gently cascading over mossy stones. A reflection of the surrounding woods rested atop the water’s surface, it was so vivid, almost like another world waited underneath. Kakashi was there too, hands submerged and legs folded, Tenzō standing a little ways behind him. He didn’t think Kakashi wanted to be watched, so instead he decided to study the grass. It was starting to turn yellow. They’d been there for a while now, but there was something that continued to tether Kakashi to the water’s bank. 

“Did you get it off?” Tenzō asked this quietly, barely audible over the rushing stream. But the other could hear him, retracting his hands and standing up in one swift motion. He was still facing downward though, perhaps looking at his own amorphous image in the water. 

“Sorry, I was probably taking too long. I just couldn’t tell,” Kakashi said to no one in particular. Maybe himself, or the forest, or the air, or the figure waiting behind him. They were all the same in that moment. 

“What couldn’t you tell?” Maybe this time Tenzō could be granted an answer. 

“If it was from today or still hers.” 

Hers? 

“What? Who are you talking about?” Kakashi finally turned around, hands glowing with reflected sunlight. 

“The others shouldn’t be far. We should go.” Subject change. 

“But-”

“Tenzō.” 

Tenzō. That wasn’t even his name, just something he’d taken from someone else. He thought of it as a nickname at first, one that would fade after a month, maybe two. But somehow it stuck. He let it hang in the air for a moment, before getting absorbed by the trees and the blades of grass and the little white flowers poking up between them. Tenzō briefly wondered how this happened, how a sound could disappear so quickly. His name, or perhaps someone else’s, Kakashi had said it. Now where did it go? 

Then Kakashi was suddenly next to him, eyes peering through the slits of his mask. They were hollow and glossy, soulless. Tenzō always wondered what a soul really was. Then again, he liked to wonder about a lot of things. 

“Sorry.” He wasn’t sure exactly what he apologized for.

* * * 

_“Kinoto, whose grave is that?”_

_“It belongs to Rin Nohara, she was the friend he killed.”_

_“He killed her? Why?”_

_“I’ve heard a lot of different reasons. All I know for sure is that he’s known as ‘Friend-Killer.’”_

_“What reasons?”_

_“Why does it matter, Kinoe?”_

_“I just wanted to know.”_

* * * 

When Tenzō opened his eyes, it was still dark. It must’ve been the first few hours of morning. His dream was the reason he now sat upright, only it wasn’t a dream, no, it was something that had actually happened. The dream, or memory rather, was one from days he did his best to repress. 

It was his last mission from Danzo, he was ordered to kill another shinobi, one called Kakashi Hatake. It was a name he’d heard thrown around before, but it wasn’t like Tenzō knew who this man was. 

His assigned partner, Kinoto, was short tempered and followed the rules like some sacred religious text. But much like every other Foundation member, at the core of it all, he was just afraid. Afraid to be his own, to develop as an individual. Tenzō didn’t blame him. He even remembered how, for just a moment, he felt sorry for Kinoto when their mission was labeled a failure. It was Tenzō’s own fault, his selfish whim that made him into a liar, a rebel. Yet Danzo scolded them both. Because of him, because he chose to let Kakashi Hatake, whoever he was, stay alive. 

“If it was from today or still hers.” 

“Rin Nohara, she was the friend he killed.” 

Tenzō thought about them, these answers to his questions. They must’ve been related somehow. ‘She’ was what linked them, Rin Nohara. 

But Kinoto never told him, he never explained why Kakashi killed her. If Kakashi killed her. Maybe he just didn’t know, it’s not like he had a reason to anyway. 

Tenzō was already putting on his shoes. He did have a reason. 

He left his mask hanging on its hook. Kakashi was his friend.

A sea of black was spanned endlessly above him, there was no moon tonight. He was going to help his friend.

Tenzō wasn’t worried about being caught. He’d gathered intel for missions countless times, this was no different. His jutsu made it easy to move discreetly, almost too easy. 

There was an archive room in the Hokage’s Tower. In it were records of every single shinobi in Konoha, both dead and alive. Rin Nohara’s file would certainly be there. He would read it and then he would know the truth. 

But who was he doing this for? Was it to better understand Kakashi? To figure out how to help him? 

Or was it just for his own peace of mind? Just to find proof that his friend didn’t murder a comrade?

Maybe it was both. 

The tower’s exterior was painted red, it was the only building in the village painted that way. Tenzō laid his palm against the wall, slowly melding with it. He knew where the archives were, he’d passed by the room many times. It was never guarded, the door’s lock was enough to keep the sacred confidentiality. According to the Hokage, anyway. 

There was nothing inside but shelves, they were overflowing with manila folders. Some thick with stacks paper, others hardly noticeable. Names were written on each tab; it looked like they were supposed to be in alphabetical order, but whoever was put in charge of organization must’ve gotten lazy. 

Still, it wasn’t long before Tenzō found what he was searching for. Rin’s file was what he expected, empty other than her personal profile and a few miscellaneous mission reports. She was a medical ninja. Her squad leader was the late Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze. Her teammates were Obito Uchiha and Kakashi Hatake. She was only a Chunin when she died.

Or perhaps, when she was killed? 

There was no point to wondering now, for the answer already lied in Tenzō’s hands. All he needed now was to force himself to open his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is a lyric from "meet me in the woods" by lord huron (an amazing song)
> 
> thank you all so much for reading, i literally can't express how much it means to me that ppl take time out of their day to read my work. i love you all sm!!!! <3 i hope you enjoyed!!!
> 
> (my twitter is @kakashyee is you wanna vibe with me there)


	3. i've got dreams of my own, but i want to make yours come true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenzō learns the truth, and he's determined to use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings (this chapter):  
> \- mentions of death/self sacrifice

_Status: Deceased. Cause of death: Self-sacrifice._

The words played over and over, resonating in Tenzō’s skull. The file he held was written, or at least approved, by the Fourth Hokage himself; there was no way any of it could be false. He’d spent years believing Kinoto’s lies, perhaps some misconstrued stories passed on from someone else. But what’s worse, so much worse, he let himself stand idly by while Kakashi shouldered the blame for something far beyond him. 

Of course after being in the Foundation for so long, reading and understanding people’s feelings was a challenge for Tenzō. Their training had been geared strictly away from anything emotional, Danzo was firm in his belief that it only served as a weakness for shinobi. This, paired with Kakashi’s reserved nature and reluctance to talk about himself, made it nearly impossible to ever figure out what he was thinking. Even so, Tenzō couldn’t help feeling that he was learning about his friend’s past much too late, and in the worst possible way. 

How, Tenzō wondered, how did he manage? Up until their mission that very day, Kakashi had never said a single word about the battles he was fighting with himself. Perhaps every now and then he’d slip up drop a hint that Tenzō wasn’t able to comprehend, but nothing came close to what happened in Hoshigakure. 

He’d been dealing with so much suffering, so much darkness, and all the while, he was the one that proved to Tenzō that there was such a thing as color.

It was Kakashi who sat awake with him during their first missions together; telling him that he wasn’t wrong for feeling afraid, for being himself, for relying on others. 

It was Kakashi who always brought along an extra blanket, just because he knew how easily Tenzō became cold and never admitted to it.

It was Kakashi who spent months training him, helping him learn taijutsu from scratch. He hardly knew anything when the two first met, Danzo claimed that taijutsu was an unnecessary skill for Tenzō, that all he needed was to strengthen and refinine his Mokuton. However, thanks to his mentor’s patience and willingness to help, he became an exceptional fighter.

It was Kakashi who taught him that he didn’t need a reason to smile, he didn’t need to complete a mission or learn a new technique or defeat an enemy or gain anyone’s approval. He could take the time and define his own happiness. 

It was Kakashi who built Tenzō up. And now, now he was the one falling apart. The time he’d spent internalizing his pain was starting to catch up, at last. 

And what’s more, Tenzō knew that he wouldn’t always be standing close behind to swoop in and stop the bad guy. He didn’t have a clue where to start, but he had to figure out how to bring Kakashi back to reality, how to break him free from whatever fabrications he was so fixated on. 

He carefully slipped Rin’s file back to where he found it and took a step back from the shelves before him. There were hundreds of folders, all belonging to fellow shinobi. ANBU, Jonin, Chunin, and Genin too. Even though he’d never met most of them, they were all his allies, his friends. This was something Kakashi had taught him long ago, something he would never forget. 

When Tenzō was back outside, it seemed colder than when he first came to the tower. He looked up to see that the sun was still missing from its usual post above him, there was some time before he needed to be awake. 

But he wasn’t very tired. 

* * * 

It had been nearly a month since Team Ro’s mission to Hoshigakure. Even after all this time, the mistake Kakashi made continued to scorch the back of his mind. He was doing everything he could to ensure that he never lost focus like that again; he knew that is was beyond unacceptable, especially for a team’s captain. He was supposed to be the leader, the model to follow. Instead, he’d become a classic example of what not to do. A description in a textbook crossed out in red, something someone could read and laugh at; ‘who would do something so stupid?’ they’d say. 

The mission description Kakashi held that day was written by the Hokage himself, or much more likely one of his secretaries. His team stood waiting patiently to learn about their upcoming task, all looking at him as if he planned to alter their lives with his words. But today would be just like any other day, the five of them knew that well. 

“A few days ago, some Chunin stumbled upon a lab left behind from the Third Great Shinobi War, Lord Hokage asks that our team goes and investigates it. It isn’t in any particular village, it’s somewhere near the outskirts of Kusagakure.” 

Though they were still children then, the five members of Team Ro had all lived through this war, some experiencing it firsthand. During that time, each side had become heavily focused on the creation of new jutsu and weaponry. This lead to a frenzy of secret laboratories being built in random locations, preferably far from highly populated areas. In these places, new discoveries could be made and the next best offensive power developed. Most had already been found and cleaned out, every secret within them uncovered. With the Five Great Nations maintaining fairly peaceful relations for almost a decade, missions regarding anything borne out of the war weren’t very common anymore. Even so, Konoha officials refused to let anything of that nature to be overlooked, so the rare and occasional stumbling-upon would inevitably become a mission for an ANBU squad to take care of. This would never change had there been hundreds of years since any kind of conflict. 

Kakashi adjourned his speech for a moment to allow for any questions before continuing once more. There were none. 

“When we get there, we’ll need to split up in two groups. Yoji, Kō, Yugao, you three are to search the area surrounding the main building. Be on the lookout for any trapdoors, items buried underground, or secret hideouts. For all we know, the lab could just be a decoy to distract from something much bigger.” He shifted his eyes until Tenzō was there, a sort of smile crossing his face. It must’ve been out of politeness though, the kind you’d flash at a stranger while walking to the market. Just a pleasantry. 

“Tenzō, you and I will investigate the lab itself.” He knew how selfish he was being to constantly split the team up this way, Tenzō was probably sick of it by now. 

“You got it boss,” Was all he said back while putting on his mask to hide a widening grin. 

They were in a remote part of the woods now, rich with trees, their limbs stretching overhead to block out the sunlight. Kusagakure was indeed the nearest village, but it was far enough away to provide the team with a sense of solitude. There was nothing, nobody, hardly even the chirp of a bird. It was no surprise that the lab hadn’t been discovered previously, finding it must have only been an accident. Perhaps starting out as someone’s shortcut, and now a high-priority mission.

It was quiet, almost an eerie silence. None of them seemed to have a reason to say anything, nor a desire for conversation. Kakashi wasn’t one to tell stories or start up riveting discussions, but he did enjoy listening. It gave him the feeling that he wasn’t alone, it provided a kind of comfort so simple and yet so necessary. He let his eyes wander across the landscape he was moving through; he’d unconsciously developed a much greater appreciation for nature since meeting Tenzō. Patches of yellow decorated the grass, this was the light that escaped the blockade of branches. The contrast was beautiful, a golden warmth against a cool darkness. He glanced over at Tenzō for just a moment, who was looking straight ahead. Maybe he had noticed the sunlight too.

The building was smaller than Kakashi expected. It was built ordinarily, aesthetically nothing more than a simple house. Appearance wasn’t much of a concern when it was built though. 

“Neither group should take long to finish evaluating the area, there’s not much to search. Reconvene here in about an hour.” Kakashi was sure that nothing of any importance would be found, if anything at all. Perhaps some outdated battle strategies, a failed jutsu formula. 

Kakashi turned to face his partner, planning to ask him if he was ready to continue on with their task. He didn’t return the gaze however, instead his eyes remained fixed on the spot where his other teammates previously stood. A gust of wind was conducting a symphony of leaves from somewhere above them, a peaceful and constant rustle. It lifted the hair Tenzō had draped lazily over his shoulders, it was starting to get long again. 

“How much you wanna bet there’s nothing in that lab?” Tenzō suddenly asked, still looking ahead.

“What, you think there’s a trapdoor around here or something?” 

“Nah. Just this old shack.” Kakashi smiled. 

“As if you could build anything better.” That little comment certainly got Tenzō to look his way. 

“Seriously? Is that a challenge? I’ll build you a whole ass village right now!” Kakashi let out a laugh while turning towards the lab.

“A whole village? In my honor? You’re too much, Tenz.” He kept on laughing, even after receiving a sharp elbow to the side as his kouhai caught up.

The air inside was thick, almost solid, saturated with dust. It made the lab seem condensed and stuffy. Even the tiniest noises echoed off each wall, from the creak of floorboards to the sound of a breath, all being amplified before merging into the heavy atmosphere. Tenzō had already illuminated the space, it was probably the first time in years that the room had seen any light, or any life at all. 

Papers were strewn about at random, whoever had been there last must’ve been in a hurry to get away. The floor was covered with something, stains of brown forever sealed within the wood. Someone was killed here once, it was certain. 

Kakashi stood unmoving, not able to detach his eyes from the ground. He could hear Tenzō picking things up, reading them, analyzing them, completing his mission as one should. While he stood useless, aimlessly lost in the grooves between some old wooden planks. 

“Find anything?” Tenzō questioned, tapping a stack of papers against the wall to align each sheet. 

“No, sorry.” Was all he said in response. The other set his papers down and walked across the room, the shadows created by the light migrating in sync with his movement. 

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault there’s nothing here. I told you that from the start, remember?” Kakashi was still rooted to his spot, but his mind began to travel elsewhere. 

“That’s not why I’m sorry.” The shadows moved again, Tenzō must’ve turned around.

“Then why?” He sounded confused, but Kakashi was sure he knew. In the back of his mind somewhere, in a place he was too kindhearted to talk about, he knew. 

“Why? I’ve been standing here staring at nothing for God knows how long while you’ve been working.” 

“Wh-” But Kakashi wasn’t finished. All his frustration, his anger with himself, it was furiously rising to the top. It was threatening to spill out now, threatening to fill up the air and tighten it, to make it even more suffocating.

“It’s always you, too. You’re always the one I put on my team when we split up. How’d you get so unlucky, Tenzō?” And then it was quiet again. There were no more shadows, just the dark; Tenzō must’ve released his jutsu.

“What are you talking about?” He paused to breathe in once. “I like it when we’re on the same team, you’re my friend, I thought you knew that.” It hurt when Kakashi insulted himself, much more than he’d ever anticipated. 

“Calling yourself my friend is a mistake.”

“Why?” He always asked why. 

“All my friends end up dead. They’re all dead. Because of me.” His sentence was choppy, something that he struggled to say. He felt it in his gut, his chest, the words burned up the lining of his throat. There were footsteps, they sounded far away, as if from a distant land. When they stopped, Tenzō was right behind him. 

“You didn’t kill her, Kakashi.” It was hardly a whisper, but somehow the shelves along the walls were rattling, their contents crashing and breaking on the floor. The earth was splitting between their feet, it was all because of Tenzō’s voice. 

“I know you didn’t, I read her file. The one in the Hokage’s archives.” 

“What?” Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to turn, he was frozen, caught by an invisible force, it latched onto him and refused to let go and it was starting to get so cold, had it always been this cold? 

“I- I was just worried about that mission in Hoshigakure, that’s all. I heard the whole story about you killing someone named Rin a while ago, and I-” 

“You broke into the archives?”

“I was scared, okay? I wanted to help you, but you wouldn’t tell me anything, I just wanted to help you.” Truthfully, Tenzō had planned out this exact conversation hundreds of times. He had everything he wanted to say figured out, hell, he could write a whole script if someone asked. Now it was all happening in real life, it was so fast, and he’d forgotten all his lines. Perhaps because Kakashi wasn’t giving him the right queues. 

“What did her file say?” The question was abrupt, unexpected, but it gave Tenzō a chance. His response came almost too quickly. 

“It said that she sacrificed herself.” 

“That can’t be right, she died by my hand.” 

“The file was written by Lord Fourth, what, are you saying he was lying?” He didn’t mean for it to sound like that, like some interrogation, but he wasn’t taking time to think. He knew so much, he was so eager to help, it all came out in a rush.

“Minato-sensei wasn’t even there.” 

“Okay, fine, you tell me. Why did you kill her? What made you do it?” Kakashi was still facing away from the man he spoke to. It took every ounce of strength Tenzō had not to grab onto his shoulders, turn him around, shout the truth into him until he finally said something, anything that made sense. 

“I was aiming for someone else, there was an enemy from Kirigakure standing behind her. He was gonna- I don’t-” He never ended up finishing his sentence. 

“Were you guys on a mission? How come your sensei wasn’t there?”

“It wasn’t a mission, Rin was kidnapped and I was trying to save her.” But something still wasn’t clear. 

“Why’d she get kidnapped? Did they just want to keep her as a hostage of war?” 

“No.” He sighed, almost like he was in pain. “They sealed the Three-Tails inside her, th-they made her a Jinchuuriki.” That was the last piece he needed. Tenzō knew all about how the Five Great Nations abused the tailed beasts’ power, how they became threats and ultra-weapons during battles. 

“There was no other choice then, If she had made it back to the village, you know what would’ve happened.” It was quiet then, just for a little. 

“Then I should’ve done something before, I should’ve stopped her from being kidnapped.” 

“You didn’t even know about it, Kakashi!” Tenzō was suddenly aware of how loud his voice became, the echo that followed only served as a painful reminder. The lack of a response was even more agonizing. “She wanted it to be you, of course she did, you were her friend.” His voice was quieter this time, he tried picking the words out more carefully. “She just didn’t realize how much it'd leave for you to deal with.” 

“Are you saying it’s her fault?”

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it!” He took note of his volume before continuing again. “She was- she was a savior. She gave her life for you, for me, for the sake of Konoha.” He took a breath, a ragged inhale. “Rin was a hero, that will never change. So that's how you- how we should remember her. She’s not just a corpse, she’s not just a ‘what should’ve been.’” He wanted so badly to get through to him. For some reason, this was harder than any physical training, just speaking, saying something that’d vanish into thin air after a few seconds. Tenzō wished it was lighter. He wished he could see Kakashi’s face. He wished he knew what to say and when to say it and how to say it. Something moved in front of him. 

“Okay, Tenzō. You don’t have to talk about it anymore.” He could tell that Kakashi was looking at him now, his eyes were hidden somewhere, buried beneath layers of darkness. 

“But- but I want to help you, I owe it to you,” His eyes were stinging, his whole face buzzed with an unusual energy, he was running out of ideas.

“What could you possibly owe me?” Tenzō wasn’t expecting to make things about himself, he didn’t want the attention to move onto him. The question Kakashi had asked him though, it was so enormous. There were countless answers, they were boiling up from his stomach into his head, pick something, just pick one of them, he needed to pick.

“When I was in the Foundation, I had no idea I was missing something.” _Don’t make it about yourself_ , he thought. “I was deprived of something I didn’t even know existed.” _Telling him this isn’t going to help_. “But you- when you got me out and brought me to the ANBU, everything was different all of a sudden.” 

“Different?” Tenzō must have paused for longer than he realized. 

“Yeah- but it wasn’t because of the ANBU, I mean, it was just another secret organization for shinobi, even the missions were all the same.” Tenzō took off his mask and started combing through his hair, tugging, twisting, it was a nervous habit from the past. “The reason things changed was you, Kakashi, it was you.” 

“But I didn’t-” 

“But you did!” He felt bad for interrupting, but he didn’t even want it spoken into existence. “You did! And you didn’t just teach me taijutsu and team formations,” His fingers were getting stuck between the strands. “It’s ironic, really,” He held back something reminiscent of a laugh. “You were the one that told me it was okay to be scared, but then you did everything you could to make sure I never was.” He was smiling now, thankful for the dark that allowed him to imagine Kakashi smiling too. 

“I didn’t think the stuff I said really mattered to you.” To Kakashi, it was just orientation, just some words of wisdom someone had told him from a time he no longer remembered. 

“Of course it mattered, everything mattered,” He smoothed out the tangles he’d created before. “You were the first person that ever looked at me and saw something more than just a jutsu, or an experiment,” Tenzō was suddenly tired, as if saying all these things had drained him completely of energy. “You were the first person that made me feel like I was some _body_ , not just,” His words were getting swallowed, lost before they could make it out. “Not just some _thing_.” 

It was so musty, there in that lab. It smelled of mildew and a loss of hope. Tenzō wondered if it would’ve been better had he not said anything, he wondered if this was all just making things worse. He was questioning himself, asking over and over if his words even made a shred of sense. It was like there was no correlation; instead of speaking he was just creating a mess, a heap of noises without meaning. 

“Tenzō,” Here it was, the moment he dreaded, the moment he prayed wouldn’t happen. Kakashi would just change the subject and no one would say anything else. Then there would be another mission, and then one after that, and nothing would change, and Tenzō would just become the guy who failed his only friend. 

“Thank you.” 

Tenzō had played out this entire scene so many times, he tried every approach imaginable. But there was one thing that stayed constant, it was at the very end, every time. Kakashi would always thank him, because people are supposed to thank each other for their help.

He knew this was still a mission, he knew he was a shinobi, he knew he had to be strong and composed. But he was already stumbling forward, already falling into a place he wasn’t able to resist. No one ever taught him how to hug; so he stood there clumsily, arms constricting his poor partner’s midsection. And then it suddenly didn’t matter that he was holding on too tightly, it didn’t mean anything anymore, because there were two hands, one resting just under his shoulder blade, one moving gently across the back of his head. They were Kakashi’s hands. 

“So I didn’t break into the Hokage’s office for nothing, then?” He smiled against the other’s collarbone, relishing the feeling of being so close to another. So close to _him_.

“No, not for nothing. Just try not to do it again.” 

The two of them stayed like this for a while longer, with nothing but each other’s warmth and the steady rise and fall of their chests. Right then, it was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! i know i say this everytime but i appreciate it so much AHH!!! this was kinda a long one woopsies.. but chapter 4? just you wait i'm finally gonna give these fools a break 
> 
> also, the chapter title is a lyric from "heaven's gate" by fall out boy! (thanks pete) 
> 
> and now lastly. i'm @kakashyee on twitter if you wanna vibe with me there! thank you again for reading you are so wonderful and ily <3


	4. because you are my medicine when you're close to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenzō and Kakashi find the beauty in nature, and then in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no trigger warnings! 
> 
> (this chapter is just all sweetness i couldn't do angst man i just couldn't)

"Is it just me, or have we checked every piece of paper in this place like three times?” Tenzō asked while leaning up against the wall behind him. The two of them had continued with the mission after talking, but it was getting obvious that the effort was fruitless.

“No, you’re right. It hasn’t been that long though, I don’t think the others are done yet.” The room was illuminated again, so Kakashi could see his friend standing across from him. The mask he’d been wearing was hooked on the side of his belt; there was something about the way his face was adorned by the light, something lovely. 

“So? Let’s just go outside, I’m sick of it in here.”

“Can’t you hear the rain? Might as well stay dry for a little longer.” Tenzō rolled his eyes and stood up straight. 

“We’re gonna get caught in it later anyway, you know. Besides I like when it rains.” 

“Who would’ve doubted that you like when it rains, Tenzō.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Are you coming or not?” Kakashi was already making his way to the exit because truth be told, he didn’t really mind the weather either. 

There was a small awning along the perimeter of the lab, and the rain was gentle enough that neither of them would get wet if they stayed put. It was a nice sound, the rhythm of falling droplets, almost like a song. The sky was a crisp, uniform and endless gray; Tenzō tried to find a cloud or two, but he couldn’t make any out. 

How inviting the rain looked, how marvelous it was that after the storm passes, new life would bloom in this very forest. How wonderful that such a precious resource, essential for the survival of every being; it was falling, seemingly materializing from nowhere right in front of them. How lucky they were right then, just to exist. It could have been anyone else, after all. 

The ground, saturated with water, gave into Tenzō’s steps as he moved forward. It was colder under the rain, his hair was beginning to stick to the back of his neck and his uniform became heavier. But he loved it, he loved the fresh scent, he loved the sensation of peace, he loved that the rain was something he could trust no matter what. 

“You having fun transcending over there?” Kakashi hadn’t moved from where he stood, still doing his best to stay dry. 

“Why don’t you just come out here with me?” Tenzō found it soothing to be alone, but there was always a certain company that he never seemed to mind. 

“Only if you want me to.”

“I want you to.” Kakashi’s footsteps were almost soundless, cushioned by the soft earth. It didn’t take long for him to appear beside his kouhai; he was already getting drenched, the rain was becoming stronger. He reached up to peel off both layers of masks, the water starting to leak in would soak through and make it hard to breathe. Tenzō remained motionless, staring up into the eternal sky.

“See anything up there, Tenz?” Kakashi’s voice was quiet, just enough to be heard over the rain. 

“I’m looking for the clouds.” For some reason this made Kakashi laugh.

“Your hair’s covering your eyes, that’ll make it a lot harder. Here,” he turned to face Tenzō, his uneven bangs lying flat against his forehead. He smoothed back the strands gently, letting his palm linger for just a moment. The gesture was unexpected, snapping Tenzō out of his daze and bringing his attention to the man before him. 

“Now you can see, at least.” Kakashi maintained eye-contact, but retracted his hand. Tenzō noticed that he wasn’t wearing a mask anymore. 

“Yeah.” It was rare to see Kakashi like this. He had an average face, not one to stand out from a crowd, just ordinary. His nose was too big compared to his other features and his lashes were practically nonexistent and his eyes were tired, encompassed by dark circles. He was smiling though, just a little, but it was there. Tenzō had never seen him smile with his teeth before, he claimed ‘he didn’t know how.’ But it was of little importance, because when he smiled his eyes crinkled and they softened and also, also he had a dimple, just one in his left cheek. 

Now he was right there beneath the rain standing so close, he was so close and suddenly he was the most beautiful thing Tenzō had ever seen, even more than flowers or walnut trees or the way water glittered when sunlight reflected off of it. This feeling, whatever it may have been, was foreign to him. It was like his stomach had vanished and he had to remind himself to take a breath. 

“What?” Tenzō was still staring like he’d opened his eyes for the first time, _say something, say something you idiot!_

“Oh I- Where do you- Where do you think the others are? It’s been like an hour already,” _For the love of God find something else to look at._

“I don’t know, I told them to meet us here. Hey, maybe they found that secret trapdoor.” 

“Maybe, yeah.” And then Tenzō smiled too, because no, he didn’t understand what he was feeling; it was new and it was unfamiliar and it made his hands and face heat up for some reason. But, confusingly so, he liked it anyway. 

* * * 

_“The reason things changed was you, Kakashi, it was you.”_

Oddly it hadn’t rained at all in Konoha. Team Ro returned with nothing new, but this wasn’t necessarily shocking news. Kakashi had already showered, eaten, even written up a painfully uneventful mission report. Now he lied awake, eyes locked on the ceiling. 

_“Of course it mattered, everything mattered.”_

What Tenzō said played over and over again, the room was filled with his voice, the words were etched into the walls. 

Kakashi knew he had been helpful when the two of them first met, of course. He showed Tenzō around, eased him into his first few missions, gave him advice on improving his skills as a shinobi. But that’s what anyone would’ve done, and especially as the team’s captain he needed to take charge and be hospitable about it. 

He remembered when Tenzō first came to the ANBU, how overwhelming it must’ve been. Months passed before he finally began to open up, probably because he just didn’t know how to. He became comfortable though, at some point he felt safe. At some point he let Yugao put braids in his hair and he built towers so that Kō could get a good view and he made little homes for Yoji’s insects. As for Kakashi, there wasn’t really anything specific between them. 

There was something though, something Kakashi couldn’t name, something he’d never experienced. He did know, however, that he was glad Tenzō joined Team Ro. And he hoped above anything that Tenzō was glad too. 

The more he thought about it, the more he realized how much their conversation had actually influenced him. It made him feel like he meant something. To Tenzō, he meant something to Tenzō. 

Someone was walking through the hallway outside, unusual for this time of night. His scent gave him away in an instant, heaven only knew where on earth he was headed. 

Kakashi sat up out of curiosity. It’s not like he was asleep anyway. 

“Forget something outside?” Tenzō peeked over his shoulder, both hands still against the sliding door. It was a secret exit only meant to be used in case of an emergency, but tonight looked to be an exception. 

“No, I just couldn’t sleep.” 

“I couldn’t either.” 

“What, are you gonna tell on me now?” 

“I won’t only if you let me come with you,” Tenzō snickered and made an opening to the outside, finally turning to face his pursuer. He was grinning and his hands were on his hips and his shirt was all bunched up, it probably didn’t belong to him. 

“It’s not like I have a choice, do I?” The moon’s light was cold and luminous, it must’ve been nearly full that night.

“Don’t act like you don’t want me to.”

“You’re just lucky no one’s out here to see you in your slippers,” Kakashi had decided before taking off that putting on shoes was too time consuming. “Tsk, and that hair’s something else too.” 

“What’s wrong with it?” They were walking now with no place in mind, just somewhere together.

“You look like a dandelion.”

“Then why don’t you make a wish?” Tenzō always made it so easy to smile. 

“You even forgot to pull up your mask, I’m shocked.” 

“The disrespect, honestly,” Kakashi didn’t mind the pestering, it took a while for them to be able to talk like this. He’d get berated until the sunrise so long as it made Tenzō happy.

“Sorry sir, care to enlighten me where we’re going? Am I worthy enough of this knowledge?” 

“I’m following you remember?” 

“I was just gonna go to that one park by the lake.” 

“I couldn’t have picked anywhere better.” 

It was warm that night, unusually so considering the time of year. The ANBU barracks were a fair distance away from the village center, there was no ongoing bustle to be heard. There was no wind to whistle through the leaves either, even the grass was still. All they had was the earth they were bound to, solid and unchanging. And then the sky of course, intangible as it was. 

“Which one are you looking at?” Tenzō wasn’t a fan of drawn out silence and he’d become pretty comfortable filling it as of late. 

“What?”

“Which constellation?” 

“Oh, I was just looking up at nothing.” 

“Don’t you know about any of them though? I feel like you would.” There was something about Tenzō associating Kakashi with the stars that made him smile. 

“Not really, the only one I can name is the Big Dipper. And the Little Dipper I guess.” 

“Why isn’t there like, a Medium Dipper, or something?”

“I don’t think I’m the one you should be asking.” 

The lake was in sight now, they walked the trail along its edges. Freshwater had a certain smell, a blend of dirt and sulfur. The waning moonlight reflected off its surface, its glow undulating just slightly. Kakashi always wondered about the moon’s phases, what their purpose even was. It wasn’t like chunks of the moon were disappearing and reforming, the only thing that changed was the sun’s generosity in sharing its rays. 

“What is it?” Kakashi hadn’t even noticed that he stopped. The glistening sheen upon the lake was captivating, ghostly and elegant and languid, somehow the gentle ripples made everything so soft. 

“Nothing, I was just looking at the lake.” Tenzō walked a few steps back to where his friend stood and peered out into the same direction. Now the moon was caught in his eyes, and the stars too, all embedded in his golden irises. The water had been beautiful, but this was, he was, otherworldly. 

“Oh, okay.”

“Sorry, we can keep walking.”

“It’s okay! Look at your lake all you want.” Galaxies, galaxies were in his eyes.

“I’ve seen enough of it over the years, Tenzō, don’t worry.”

“What do you mean?” Kakashi didn’t like bothering people with his life stories, he felt like it just wasted their time. _No one wants to listen to you, you’re ruining their good mood, you’re making them uncomfortable._ He could keep it short though.

“I used to come here with my dad when I was younger all the time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” _Stop talking, he doesn’t care._ “There used to be a dock around here that we’d sit on, but it was destroyed during the war.” 

“Where? Can you show me?” Kakashi blinked once, there wasn’t anything left of that old dock. It was hidden away by layers of brambles covered in some obscure berries, soon it would be overgrown. 

“Sure, if you want.” Tenzō only nodded in response and waited for him to show the way. They were close by, it wasn’t a big deal. 

The path was pricklier than Kakashi remembered, and there were more berries to trample littering the ground. The bottoms of his slippers were now stained with the pink juice, he’d have to throw those out later on.

But there was still a clearing where nothing ever grew, where water lightly lapped the shoreline and the other side wasn’t visible and it felt like the edge of the whole world. And still, partially concealed by the crumbling soil, were two once beloved beams of wood. 

“This it?” Tenzō looked unimpressed. Perhaps he was expecting something more. 

“Yeah.” How lovely it would have been just then to go back, even for a little bit. Back when his biggest problems were the lack of instant ramen at home or that it was raining outside or that his favorite place to get ice cream was closed for remodeling or that his father had told him to ‘try and get along with the other kids.’ When nothing mattered, when there was more blue in the sky, when he looked forward and not behind. 

“You should’ve just brought me here earlier, you know,” Tenzō spoke while he was crouching with hands flat on the earth, eyes focused on something that wasn’t there. 

But Kakashi looked once more and saw that he was wrong, he was wrong and there was something now. He hadn’t noticed at first because of how well it fit in, how familiar a sight it was.

“It’s probably a little different than the original, but it’s close-” 

Kakashi wasn’t one for affection, a tap on the shoulder or occasionally a pat on the back is as far as he’d ever see necessary. Right then though, there was a magnet somewhere in his chest and it was pulling him forward with his arms outstretched and so he let it. 

How sweet it all was, even the stench of sulfur had gone and been replaced by honeysuckle and citrus. 

Oh, but what was he _doing?_

The weight of Tenzō’s embrace was suddenly too heavy and the air was starting to crystallize and Kakashi felt like if he held on any longer he’d melt away into nothing.

“I’m sorry that was- I’m sorry,” He nearly tripped into the mess of thorns while stepping backwards. Tenzō only watched, eyes open just as wide as his arms were.

“Kakashi, it’s fine you don’t have to apologize,” His expression was almost every bit of reassurance Kakashi needed. 

“Okay, right,” _At least give him an explanation._ "This just means a lot to me, that’s all. Thank you.” 

“Well good, I’m glad.” 

The harmony of creaking wood over the tide’s melody, it was still the same. He could see the lines in his father’s face and he could feel a little green scarf draped over his shoulders. There was still enough room for him to dangle his feet off the edge without getting them wet, just barely though. 

Out of habit he sat on the leftmost side, but this time no one was next to him to fill up the rest. 

_No,_ he thought, _there is someone,_ he wasn’t alone. Here on this night, beneath the eyes of every star in the sky, he wasn’t alone. And so he glanced over his shoulder and patted the empty space beside him. It was decorated with the moon’s light, blue and pale and geometric.

“Are you sure?” 

“It’s meant for two people, you know.”

And so they sat atop the fresh wood, resting between the cosmos in the sky and its reflection in the water. After a while neither of them could tell which one was which, reality or illusion, but it was okay. It was okay because every now and then Kakashi would look over at Tenzō and luckily, there was only one of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading ahh i really hope you enjoyed! i do be loving these two Fools more than anything in the whole wide world i just want them to be happy do you understand? keep that in mind upon reading the next chapter that's all i ask .. a haha 
> 
> also the chapter title is a lyric from "on melancholy hill" by the gorillaz bro this song is the ultimate banger listen to it Now
> 
> lastly if you wanna vibe with me or talk or whatever i'm @kakashyee on twitter! 
> 
> thank you all again i love you! <3


	5. please don't go, i love you so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early in the morning, someone's at the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> \- swearing
> 
> i hope you all enjoy <3 thank you again for reading

Tenzō awoke to the sound of knocking, hollow and sharp. Someone was at the door, even though the morning was still young and light hadn’t yet begun creeping from his window. Though his eyelids pleaded otherwise, he rose to his feet to find out what was so important that it couldn’t wait until a more reasonable hour. 

He’d gotten back late the night before, from his escape out under the stars. As it turns out, spending time with Kakashi, even just sitting in silence, came with a quality that sleeping couldn't quite measure up to. Unfortunately this didn’t really make him any less tired. 

Behind the creaking hinges, there was someone Tenzō had never seen before. She was taller than him by three heads and had the longest black hair he’d ever seen. 

“Uhm..” He began, but she cut him off. 

“Lord Hokage has requested to see you. Immediately.” 

“Wha- Lord Hokage? Why?” It was too early and he was groggy beyond compare. What could Hiruzen possibly want from him?

“That information wasn’t disclosed to me, I’m just a messenger. I’d hurry up if I were you.” She formed a few hand signs and vanished, just like that. Tenzō was left alone, standing confused in his doorframe. There was still about an hour before he needed to be in the locker room. An hour and ten and he’d still beat Kakashi. 

He probably looked a mess considering the way he slept, but he wasn’t trying to impress anyone in the Hokage’s Tower for sure. So he glanced briefly at his tangled hair, decided to leave it, and slipped on his shoes.

His breath came out in clouds in the frigid morning air. He found himself asking again, _what could Hiruzen want?_

With the tower in sight, he thought of the last time he paid it a visit. He had snuck into the archives around a month ago, there was no way that’s what this whole meeting was about. Besides, the Hokage wouldn’t care about something so minor, would he? 

There were more clouds now, his breathing was getting faster. He despised the Hokage, but the last thing he wanted to get into trouble. Over the years he’d seen around a dozen shinobi get expelled from the ANBU because of ‘disciplinary issues,’ which was just code for Hiruzen’s intolerance of their mistakes. What Tenzō did wasn’t just a small error though, he snuck into the tower and read confidential files. That alone was already more than enough, he didn’t need to be plotting the village’s demise to get kicked out of the ANBU for good. 

He couldn’t just become a regular Jonin then either, what missions would he be assigned after what he did? All those years he’d spent training and refining his skills, had it all become a waste because of that night? 

At least though, at the very least, he was able to get through to Kakashi. The clouds became less frequent. The talk they had in that ancient lab had some meaning in the first place _because_ he’d read Rin’s file. So, even now while fully aware of the consequences, he didn’t regret a thing.

He thought of this again while standing outside the door to Hiruzen’s office, but that didn’t stop his arm from aching as he reached to open it. Papers were arranged neatly on the Hokage’s desk, gilded with red stamps. Behind them sat a pair of piercing eyes, but Tenzō only disregarded the way his stomach twisted because of them and shut the door. 

“You wanted to see me, Lord Third?” He wasn’t keen on dragging this out longer than it needed to be. 

“I did, Kinoe. I appreciate your quick response.” The Hokage’s voice sounded harsh, like it was full of sharp gravel. Everyone except for Kakashi called him Kinoe, but something about the way it fit in Hiruzen’s mouth made his skin crawl.

“Is there something you wanted to speak to me about?” Tenzō didn’t care for pleasantries. 

“I see you’re raring to get to business, am I right?

“I have a mission to get to soon. I don’t want to be late.” He didn’t care for lighthearted comments either. He knew the kind of man he was dealing with. 

“Very well, Kinoe. Then I won’t waste your time.” He paused for a moment, perhaps expecting a reaction from Tenzō that he never received. “I’m sure you are familiar with the name Naruto Uzumaki, yes?” 

That’s what this was about? 

“The Ninetails Jinchuuriki? I’ve heard his name before.” Tenzō was puzzled, to say the least. Where did he fit into this situation? 

“Excellent. You see, he’s recently become a graduate of our ninja academy.” 

“I’m sure he will turn out to be a wonderful shinobi.” Naruto was the son of the fourth Hokage, one of the most legendary men to walk the grounds of Konoha. Kushina, his mother, was known for her skill and inspiring spirit as well. There was already a whole bank of talent in his genes.

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible as of right now.” 

“Why not?”

“For the reason I summoned you here actually. There is no one willing to be responsible for him or his other two teammates.” 

“Did he do something wrong?” There was no way Naruto was more than eight years old, Tenzō couldn’t imagine what prevented him from being taught. 

“Not necessarily, no. The issue is that the only available squad leaders are, well, afraid of Naruto.” Afraid? Of a child? 

“Because of the Ninetails?” 

“Precisely. He and two others, Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno, have already acquired their headbands but can do nothing with them.” This story was getting too long now. 

“Lord Third, I apologize, but why did you call me here?” Clearly this wasn’t about the archives anymore. 

“Because you are the only one I could call, Kinoe. You have a very unique set of skills, as I’m sure you’re aware.” 

“You mean the Mokuton?” What else could it be? That's all there was to him, clearly. That cursed jutsu, overshadowing his entire humanity. A walking, talking science project.

“The First Hokage was the only one able to use it to control the Ninetails. Until you, that is.” He could see where this was going now, and it made his hands go ice cold. 

“Are you- Do you mean you want me to be their squad leader?” 

“I have their files right here.” He held out a manila folder, it was thin, boasting the potential to be filled up. 

“Lord Third, with all due respect, I don’t think I’m right for this position.” Tenzō fought every urge to turn around and run, run back down to the safety of the ANBU. He’d meet Kakashi in the locker room and tell him about how ridiculous their Hokage was. Then they’d laugh from behind their colorful masks because that’s what they always did. 

“I don’t remember asking if you were, Kinoe.” That old bastard. 

“But what about the ANBU?” And what about Kakashi? 

“You’ve served in the ANBU for years now, there is no need for you to stay there any longer. Besides, your team is one of the most skilled I’ve seen, they’ll get by just fine without you.” _Fucking hag, what do you know?_

“But I’ve never taught children before, I really- I don’t think I can do this.” It was even colder in the office than outside, where snow was already beginning to fall. It probably wouldn’t accumulate though. 

“Have you forgotten who let you out of the Foundation, Kinoe?” There was no way. No way in hell was he hearing things right. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“It was I who gave you the choice to transfer to the ANBU, remember?” How dare he, how dare he imply that _he_ rescued Tenzō. Kakashi was the one who broke into that wretched facility, ready to face Danzo and all his subordinates. It made his blood heat up and boil, he could hear a heartbeat screaming at the back of his head. 

“I remember.” 

“Good, very good. So I take it that you’ll do this favor for me, yes?” Tenzō’s uniform was suffocating, and the frozen air hurt too much to inhale. 

“Yes.” He shut his mouth quickly, a hundred other things threatened to spill out, things that’d most likely get him banished from Konoha. 

“Very good.” He smiled, but Tenzō swore he saw the diabolic intent behind his expression. “I will leave it to you to communicate with your captain and other teammates.” Out of everything Hiruzen had said, this was what cut the deepest. It was just one sentence, but Tenzō could feel the pressure in his gut, his chest, his head, everywhere. 

“When?” He tried to keep his expression blank and stagnant, but he could already feel himself unraveling from the inside out. 

“You have a mission today, don’t you? It will be your last one. Most of the Genin have already begun working as a squad, team seven, your team, is already falling behind.” 

His last mission. 

“Kinoe.” There it was again, the folder. Pointing out at him from the aging hands of the Hokage. Fighting the tension in his muscles, he reached to take it. 

“Am I dismissed?” He wanted so badly to leave that God forsaken room, but he knew what awaited him back at the barracks. 

“Any additional information you might need is in that file, so you may leave.” He smiled again. “You wouldn’t want to be late to your last mission, now.” 

Tenzō said nothing, only turned around and walked out as fast as he could without causing a scene. Once he was outside, he couldn’t even feel the light snow hitting his exposed skin. There was a numbness rippling across his entire body, it held him in place just outside the tower. 

He felt lightheaded. He just wanted to go back to the night before, under the sheet of stars with Kakashi. He wanted it so much it hurt, it hurt, it all hurt. 

And it continued to hurt as he walked past the ninja supply store. It hurt outside the ramen shop. It hurt by the place he and Kakashi had eaten soba once. It hurt at the top of the stairs leading him into the ANBU barracks. By the time he stood outside his captain’s room, it was unbearable. Every fiber of his being was shouting at him not to knock, to just turn around and run. But the only place he could think of running was behind the door he was so terrified to open. 

“Tenz? What’re you doin’ here?” Kakashi had clearly just rolled out of bed, his voice was more than enough proof. It was slurred and low, but oh so gentle. It was like the tender snow, visible from his window. Only now could he actually feel it tickling his face and melting on his forehead.

“Tenzō?” It was comforting to hear after being ‘Kinoe’ all morning. But now it had become something temporary, he couldn’t be ‘Tenzō’ for much longer, could he?

“Hi Kakashi.” It was rare for Tenzō to use his captain’s first name so casually, but now it seemed appropriate. Kakashi must’ve slept well that night, his shoulders were slumped and his cheeks were still creased with imprints from his pillow and his hair was an even bigger disaster than usual. But his face, his face is what made everything so excruciating. There was no tension in his brow, no hidden despair. Just the softened glint in his eyes that Tenzō wanted to memorize forever. 

“Are you okay?” He wondered what gave it away first.

“I need to talk to you.” He dodged the question out of fear that answering it would bring on a rush of emotions he wasn’t prepared to deal with. Kakashi enclosed Tenzō’s hand with his own and pulled him into the room, shutting the door at the same time. His hand was cold like it always was, but that didn’t make Tenzō any less disappointed when he let go. 

“Did something happen?” He felt awful for waking Kakashi up, he even looked like he was finally getting some rest. And now this. 

“I was just talking to the Hokage, he asked to meet with me.” Maybe he could stall a little more before saying it. 

“What’d he want?” Then again, he didn’t want to torture Kakashi anymore. _Just get to the point._

“He-” _Get to the point._ “He wants me to leave the ANBU.” 

It was so quiet then, Tenzō swore he could hear snowflakes landing on the wooden windowsill outside. 

“Tenzō, he- he doesn’t mean he’s sending you back to the Foundation, does he? There’s no way I’ll let him, I’ll do whatever-” 

“No! That’s not it at all,” He interrupted because he couldn’t stand looking at the terror crossing Kakashi’s expression. “He just needs me to do something else.” 

“What is it?” Though he sounded relieved, Tenzō could tell he was getting frustrated from the lack of a straight answer. But once it was said, there was no going back anymore. 

“It’s about the Ninetails kid. He wants me to be the leader of his Genin squad.” 

“Naruto? Minato-sensei’s son?” 

“No one’s agreeing to be on a team with him because they’re scared of the tailed beast going on a rampage, or something.” 

“But why does it have to be you?” Kakashi’s voice was just too faint and it made Tenzō’s head fill with stars and the room spun, spun, spun. 

“Because of my jutsu. He says I’m the only one who can control it.” 

“When do you start?” 

“Tomorrow.” He wanted to cry, but he worried that the tears would just hang out of his eyes like icicles. 

“Oh, okay.” It was just two words, but something was breaking from deep inside Tenzō. 

“I’m so sorry, Kakashi, I wish I would’ve known before, I’m sorry-” 

“Hey,” His blabbering was cut off. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, none of this is your fault. And besides,” Even though he tried, Kakashi couldn’t mask the faltering in his words. “You were always destined for greater things than just staying as an ANBU.” 

“That’s not-” 

“Look, it’s almost time and I’m not even in uniform yet. I don’t think either of us should be late today.” Kakashi wasn’t looking at him anymore, instead his eyes were drawn to the window. 

“Oh.” 

“I’ll meet you in the locker room, okay?” 

“Yeah.” He made it so much easier, letting Tenzō off the hook like that. But right then, walking out that door was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. 

* * *

“Did you get everything?” 

“I think so- wait, let me check the closet one more time.” This was the fourth time he’d checked, but neither of them acknowledged it. 

Their mission had been nothing out of the ordinary, besides being quieter than usual. The rest of Team Ro was caught off guard upon hearing that Tenzō would be leaving them, but they weren’t going to protest outside the Hokage’s office. Because as Hiruzen said, they knew they’d get by just fine without him. 

As predicted, the closet was empty save for a few plastic hangers. Tenzō’s few belongings had all been packed away. 

“Yeah. We’re good.” Kakashi, standing a little ways behind him, could hear the strain in his kouhai’s voice. He was repressing something, he had been since their talk in the morning. 

“You want me to carry your stuff for you?” Tenzō lightly scoffed at this and started combing his hands through the ends of his hair. 

“No.” Tenzō was usually the one babbling on, asking questions every two seconds. Today his silence had actually been palpable, and with it, Kakashi could feel every agonizing minute pass by individually. 

“Should we-?” 

“Yeah.” 

Somehow, the hallways had become shorter than usual. Tenzō’s eyes stayed fixed on the ground, his hands clenched around his backpack straps. Kakashi watched his hair, spread out over his shoulders, as it swayed lightly. Tenzō always asked him to try and braid it, but he would inevitably decline and follow up with an ‘I don’t know how.’ Now he wished he had figured it out. 

Kakashi had easily climbed these stairs hundreds of times, but now he was only halfway up and already winded. It had stopped snowing. Instead, all that remained was a layer of muddy slush coating the earth. 

At the top of the staircase, it was already starting to get dark. The sky was a gray without variation which made it hard to tell, but they knew. 

“Tenzō,” His gaze stayed glued to the stone steps. “Look at me for a second, will you?” 

“What?” His voice was barely above a whisper and his teeth were gritted and his eyes, his warm, beautiful eyes that’d given Kakashi so much solace over the years were covered by a layer of glass. 

“Don’t worry, I think you’ll make a really good teacher.” 

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” 

“Then what?” Tenzō looked away and rubbed his face with his palm. 

“You.” Damn it, he should’ve known. 

“I’ll be fine, Tenzō.” He wanted to mean it, but Kakashi couldn’t help feeling like he was lying. 

“I don’t want you to feel lonely.” His words were muffled by the hand over his mouth. So it was Kakashi’s fault he was like this right now. 

“I won’t be lonely.” All he could feel was guilt, guilt, guilt. _This is because of you._

“Okay.” 

And then he looked up at Kakashi, who suddenly realized something; something in his selfish and twisted mind. He was going to miss Tenzō. 

The questions, the joking, the smiles, the elbows to his side. Tenzō was going to leave and take it all with him. 

So while he stood there and wiped at his tears, all Kakashi could do was watch. And miss him. 

“Goodbye, Kakashi.” _No,_ he thought, _dont go, don’t go._

“Goodbye Tenzō.” _Don’t go._

When he turned away and started walking, _don’t go._

When Kakashi was descending the stairs, _don’t go._

When his own face became streaked with saltwater, _don’t go._

When Tenzō had already been gone for hours, _please don’t go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about that folks... i deadass ran out of sad music to listen to so i listened to the sad song from "up" while writing the end
> 
> also the chap title is a lyric from "breezeblocks" by alt-j it's just a beautiful song listen to it right this second
> 
> also also my twitter is @kakashyee and i am always on there come vibe with me 
> 
> also also also??? thank you so much for reading y'all have no idea how much it means bc you could be doing anything else rn but here you are. reading MY fic. i cannot believe this me kakashi and tenzo all love you and are cryin bc youre so amazing <3


	6. i've traced your shadows on the wall, now i kiss them whenever i'm down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even with the distance between them, Kakashi and Tenzō still manage to keep each other close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> \- mentions of death
> 
> ahh i hope you guys enjoy! sorry this is a little late, but it is extra long! <3

Tenzō was the kind of person that always showed up early. He was the first to wake up on overnight missions, the first to fall asleep as well. 

Which was exactly the reason that even three weeks after he’d gone, entering the locker room still felt so unnatural. Kakashi, throughout the years, couldn’t once remember walking in without Tenzō being there already. Now, the room felt like a jigsaw puzzle that was missing pieces. 

But perhaps, despite how incomplete things felt, something good did come out of it all. Tenzō was finally free. Genin teams didn’t have to deal with assasination missions for years, there was no longer a burden of killing for him to carry. Even more importantly, there was no more Kakashi; turning everything sour with every step he took.

“Morning, Captain.” It was Yugao, bless her heart. Despite his efforts to hide it, the toll Tenzō’s leaving took on Kakashi was visible. His teammates had noticed and decided to try and be extra nice, at least for a little. The truth is, they all knew what the two of them shared, whatever it was, they knew. 

“Hey,” was his curt response. Kakashi hated feeling pitied, and besides, he was fine. And so he stuck his face into the familiar mold of his ANBU mask and turned to his companions. This was just another mission after all, he’d done it before and he’ll do it again a million times over.

But it was inevitable. He let himself get used to things the way they were. When there was no numbness in his fingers and the trees were fuller with leaves. He couldn’t stop the ache of longing, the dull, pointless, yearning for something that had left and made no plans to return. Now it was just cold. 

This mission had unsurprisingly been as meaningless as the rest of them. Another chance to stain the snow with red, another chance to destroy rather than create. In that moment Kakashi admired Tenzō to no end, he was actually doing something; he was teaching, cultivating an entire new generation. Perhaps they would fight for peace, perhaps they would be able to finally reform the corrupt shinobi system. And what was Kakashi doing? Just setting things back and perpetuating it. 

But he could do it anyway, of course he could do it. Kakashi knew first hand how much power lied in Tenzō’s words. It was so easy to picture him in charge of Genin; he was kind and patient and his sense of humor was nothing short of effortless. Those kids probably loved him to pieces already. 

_He’s better off,_ Kakashi thought staring through his reflection in the mirror. _You’re being selfish again._ He hated what he saw. 

His mind circled him back to the top of the stairs, shrouded in greys and whispering; it was the last time the two of them were together. Kakashi pictured that very scene each day since it happened, finding new reasons to wish it’d gone differently to no end. It was useless though, completely useless. What he should’ve said, what he should’ve done, it was too late. 

But my God, why the hell couldn’t he have realized back then? Instead of standing there looking at nothing, already missing someone that was still in front of him; why didn’t he just say something? 

How could he be so selfish? Not even a congratulations, not even an “I’m proud of you,” because damn it, he was so proud. Tenzō deserved this, he deserved it more than anyone. There was no place for him there anymore, behind the masks and towering over the dead. And even knowing all this, Kakashi still wasn’t even able to give the guy a pat on the back. To thank him for his time in the ANBU; or at least, at the very, very least, thank him for being a friend. Kakashi was wary of slinging that word around, considering how all his other friends ended up. But this was Tenzō, and calling him just a teammate felt wrong. After all, what teammate would sneak into the Hokage’s Tower in the middle of the night and read confidential files because they “wanted to help”? 

He smiled a little then, thinking about the absurd lengths Tenzō would go to for him. 

Not anymore though, he won’t have to. 

By the time Kakashi looked up again he was no longer concerned with his own reflection. It didn’t matter how much longer he’d be stuck in the ANBU anymore, because now he wasn’t pulling anyone down with him. 

* * * 

Even considering the time that’d passed, Tenzō still wasn’t quite used to his new uniform. It was too bulky and impractical for a shinobi in his opinion; but then again, the missions he’d been assigned couldn’t compare to those in the ANBU. So far, his team hadn’t even left the village yet. Whether it was finding a lost pet or pulling some old lady’s weeds, it was certainly a change to say the least. 

He watched himself in the mirror, putting on a happuri that was slowly becoming dull. The one piece of his prior uniform that remained. It would be a long while before he could bring himself to get a new one, it seemed. 

The winter sunlight was a blinding white, and Tenzō found himself longing for warmer days as he walked to his new meeting spot. To his surprise, there was no locker room for Genin teams. Just some place he had to pick out. 

His Genin were certainly unique, for lack of a better word. So unique in fact that he hadn’t a clue on how he could ever bring them together as a single unit.

First there was Sasuke Uchiha, the last of his clan. His older brother had once been a part of Team Ro, Tenzō remembered Itachi well. He also remembered the night of the Uchiha Massacre, the palpable shock and silence that rippled throughout the barracks upon hearing the news. It was almost comparable to his surprise when his new student explained his life goal; to kill Itachi and avenge his fallen bloodline. Sasuke certainly showed great promise, in fact, simply calling him ‘above average’ would be a wild understatement. However, his undying determination and tendency to isolate was going to be a serious obstacle. He didn’t seem the least bit concerned with teamwork. 

Next was Sakura Haruno, one of the top students at the academy upon graduating. She was clearly the team’s source of encouragement, but she wasn’t too keen on things not going her way. Her skills lied in controlling chakra and possessing a vast knowledge in just about every aspect of the shinobi world. She just found it difficult to apply what she had spent so much time learning and make a decision on what she wanted to focus on. Tenzō didn’t have a doubt that she had more than enough potential to be on equal grounds with the other two, but she needed to find her speciality first. 

And finally of course, was the elusive Ninetails Jinchuriki, Naruto Uzumaki. Tenzō wasn’t sure if he’d ever, in all his years, met someone so loud before. The kid had a goal, he made that clear on the very first day they all met; he wanted to be the Hokage someday. Naruto was the son of the legendary fourth Hokage Minato Namikaze, so it was far from impossible. Tenzō had never actually met Minato, but he was Kakashi’s teacher after all. Judging by only that, he was positive that nothing stopped the kid from achieving his goal skillswise, even if they still needed a good deal of refining. The problem was that all he cared about _was_ this dream, and he didn’t see it necessary to build up a team spirit. It was odd, even though Naruto acted like he hated Sasuke, the two of them really had a lot in common. 

Unfortunately, their main similarity was a shared unwillingness to operate as a team. Thankfully this wasn’t the case for Sakura, but she only accounted for a third of their power. And, understandably so, the constant bickering and competition between the two was starting to get on her nerves. Tenzō knew how much work was cut out for him, he’d need to teach from a perspective that all three of them could resonate with. For now he could focus on the basics, but when the time came for actual missions? The Chunin exams? What was he supposed to do then? 

Their meeting place had become an old bridge just outside of Konoha’s center. It arched over a softly running stream, evidently an outgrowth of the larger lake Tenzō could see from there if he squinted just a little. And then suddenly he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of moonlight and the color silver and someone’s hands in his hair. The water below him was quiet, already starting to freeze over at the surface. 

“Yamato-sensei!” Sakura. 

“Hey.” Sasuke.

“How come you guys are here so early?” Naruto. 

The three of them always showed up in the same order. Naruto often ran a little late, but it was nothing Tenzō wasn’t already used to. 

“Are you actually gonna teach us something cool today?” Tenzō sighed. Naruto had been asking that same question every day for the past three weeks. 

“Naruto, I really don’t know what your definition of ‘cool’ is-” 

“Like walking on water or something! I wanna do that!” 

“You haven’t even learned how to walk up a still surface yet, you can’t just start wherever-” He couldn’t even finish before another voice decided to chime in. 

“There’s no way someone like you could ever learn, it’s hopeless.” The one time Sasuke chose not to be quiet. 

“Oh I’ll show you Sasuke!” 

“You guys, we haven’t even started training yet! Why do you have to be so annoying _already?_ ” And then Sakura joined in to complete the choir of complaints. 

This wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for them, but their morale would only get worse unless Tenzō could figure out how to help them become more mature. 

“Hey! Do you three actually want to get something done today or not?” At least that got them to turn around and listen, but that could’ve been because they were still a little afraid of Tenzō. He wasn’t sure how much longer his glaring would work for. 

Perhaps inspired by Naruto’s request, he decided to start showing the kids how to build up chakra in their feet and move against the pull of gravity. After growing a few trees and hearing some “how did you do that’s?” from Naruto, they were ready to begin. 

Tenzō generally enjoyed the days team seven was actually assigned a mission because it meant that there was a structure to follow, he didn’t have to come up with something to occupy them with. Now, he knew this was no way for a sensei to think, but this job was something so foreign to him and he hardly knew what angle to approach it from. The other Genin squad leaders had all spent months preparing for their positions, they were informed enough to start teaching right off the bat. As for Tenzō, he found out about his new work a mere day before he started. He was hoping things would fall into place after a little, but it was proving to be more difficult than he previously imagined. Sometimes he felt like it was even more demanding than being an ANBU captain, but that was probably just because of his past experience. 

After doing his best to explain the process in a way all three of them could understand, the kids started tackling their new training. They had different ways of going about this: Sasuke started making marks on the tree to measure out distances and set goals, Sakura focused on effectively collecting her chakra, and Naruto backed up to get a running start. 

As Tenzō had initially predicted, at the end of the day, Sakura was able to get the highest out of the three of them. Luckily she kept her boasting to a minimum, but that didn’t stop the two boys from sulking. 

“Sakura, I can’t believe you beat me,” Naruto whined from the base of his tree. 

“Well I’m not surprised.” 

“Shut up Sasuke, she beat you too!” There they go again. 

“Listen you two, I’m glad to see you’re competitive. You’ll need that kind of drive in the future, but as of right now, you should be concerned with helping each other improve. You’re a team, you know?” Tenzō paused for a moment, almost expecting someone to interrupt, but the kids were all ears. “Someday you’re gonna face enemies that you just won’t be able to overcome by yourself. Together, you guys will have to win against them, not each other.” 

This was the first time Tenzō had ever told them something like this. Usually his wisdom had to do with tactics and book-smarts, not life lessons. He’d finally gotten his kids to stay quiet and think for a minute, but he couldn’t take all the credit. 

* * * 

_“Wait, so I’m always on the same team in the ANBU?”_

_“Yeah, was it not like that in the Foundation?”_

_“No, sometimes we’d go on missions with other people, but Lord Danzo just picked them out randomly each time.”_

_“Well that’s dumb.”_

_“Why? How come it’s not like that here?”_

_“Because when you’re always part of the same team, you build up a certain level of trust with those people. It makes it easier to rely on each other and work together.”_

_“Why should I rely on someone else?”_

_“Because, Tenzō. You can’t expect to do everything by yourself. Even Danzo knew that when he put you guys in teams. What he didn’t realize is that when people truly get to know one another, it’s easier for them to figure out how to help when they need to.”_

* * * 

Kakashi wasn’t even there with him, but somehow, indirectly, he was still helping Tenzō. 

“Yeah, well I don’t see how Sasuke’s gonna help me become Hokage.” Before one of them broke the momentum, Tenzō began again. 

“If you can’t get along with one teammate, how do you expect to lead an entire village?” 

“Wha-?”

“Listen, Naruto. A while ago, a friend told me exactly what I’m telling you now.” They were quiet again, most likely because Tenzō was usually reluctant when it came to sharing anything about himself. But he realized he was a part of this team now too, and if he had to be the first to open up, then so be it. “I used to think the same way as you, actually. I didn’t see the point in working as a team. But this was before I met someone, that same friend, and what he told me really changed my point of view.”

“What’d he say?” Now even Sasuke was getting interested.

“That sometimes, if you really want to understand yourself, if you really want to know your own strengths, you have to understand other people first.” 

“I don’t think I get it, sensei.” Naruto looked puzzled, but at least he was listening. 

“It’s okay, I didn’t get it at first either. Actually, I thought he was full of shi- uhm- lies,” _Probably shouldn’t say that,_ he thought before continuing. “But over time I realized how right he actually was. When building relationships with others, your teammates for example, it’s easy to see how you measure up in comparison. What you need to work on and what you should be proud of become more clear, because you have people that bring your true self out of you.”

“Can you give us, like, an example?” He was getting there. 

“Sure. In your case, today you were bummed out because Sakura ‘beat’ you in training, right?” An affirming nod. “She clearly has a knack for what we’re working on right now, you can see that. It’s one of her strengths, but one of your weaknesses.” Another nod. “Watching her train helped you figure that out, so instead of getting upset, you could go and ask her for advice. Chances are that the way she’s learning could help you too.” 

“Would you help me, Sakura? The next time we train?” He smiled. Naruto may not have been at the top of his class, but he still grasped the importance of teamwork much faster than Tenzō ever did. 

“You got it! You guys’ll probably have to help me with stuff later on, anyway.” They all turned to look at Sasuke, who still had yet to say anything. 

“Me too, I guess.” 

They laughed then, together and as a team. They were all still at different places, but for the first time, he felt like they were getting somewhere. For the first time, he felt like the four of them were a part of something. 

Tenzō felt like this all the way back home. The sun was dimmer and it hung lazily over the horizon, ready to vanish at any moment. He’d built this house by himself, not far from the bridge and the stream. The interior was simple, greatly resembling the ANBU barracks, but he could change it anytime. He had plenty of room, but not nearly enough to fill it with. Sure he’d incorporated a few potted plants here and there, but there was still a looming feeling of emptiness.

There was a box though, one he kept in the bottom drawer of his bedside dresser. There was hardly anything else in it, the only reason he decided upon building it was for the sake of the room’s symmetry. 

It was one of the few things he brought from the ANBU, but it was enough to carry everything he had to show for his time there. The contents were all just notes from missions, he used them to help remember details when writing reports for the Hokage. Most of the time his handwriting was nearly unintelligible, he must’ve been in a hurry, but there was something comforting about having some kind of keepsakes to hold onto. 

But there was one other thing among his scribbles; a piece of paper a different shade than all the rest, it was a little more yellow. 

And then he was walking back to the barracks from a mission in a place he would never again remember, on a night he would never forget. 

* * * 

_“What does it even mean to love something? Why did they tell me it was wrong?”_

_“Huh? Where’s this coming from, Tenzō?”_

_“Yugao was talking about it and no one said anything to her. Isn’t it a bad thing?”_

_“What? Of course it’s not, what the hell?”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Hold on, sorry, I just- I don’t really agree with the Foundation’s teachings, that’s all. No, it’s not a bad thing at all.”_

_“What is it, actually?”_

_“I don’t know if I’m the right person to ask if you want a good enough definition.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I do have something that might help you, though.”_

There was a shelf in Kakashi’s room, it was half-filled with well used books from all over it seemed.

_“Here, this is the one.”_

_“A book of poems?”_

_“Yeah, there’s one in here that I couldn’t ever figure out. Maybe you’ll be able to, though.”_

He flipped to a dog-eared page and handed the book to Tenzō.

_“I don’t know what it means either, captain.”_

_“Maybe you just need to think about it some more. Here.”_

Then he ripped it out. 

* * * 

The edge of the paper was still jagged from being torn from its place in the book. Tenzō held it and stared at the compactly written text.

**love**

_i once knew a boy  
but he was not ordinary   
for wherever he stepped, whatever he touched  
a flower would grow   
they grew out of walls   
from cracks in the tiled floor  
and when he walked  
a trail of petals would follow close behind   
the more we spoke  
the more flowers i could see  
and then suddenly, they bloomed in a new place  
inside of my own body, my own soul  
that is when i realized   
there were never any flowers at all  
it was something much more simple  
something the eye could not see  
what the boy grew, what he planted within me,_

_it was love_

He read it over and over until something clicked in his mind. There was a meaning behind each line, it wasn’t just about flowers, it wasn’t even about plants at all. 

The entire poem was a metaphor for an emotion, one Tenzō was finally beginning to understand.

And somewhere in the ANBU barracks, Kakashi was starting to understand it as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg you actually read this okay thank you so much 
> 
> the chapter title is from my favorite song of all time g.i.n.a.s.f.s. by fall out boy it's actually the best thing i have ever heard 
> 
> my twitter is @kakashyee and im on there a lot if you wanna vibe or talk or whatever man i dont know 
> 
> again thank you for reading you guys are my favorite don't tell anyone this is our little secret. i love you


	7. i had been lost to you, sunlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mission, and encounter, and a lot of time to think afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> \- depression
> 
> this chapter is a little shorter but i hope you enjoy anyway <3

“There you are, Naruto!” Sakura chirped upon seeing the flash of orange rushing up out of nowhere. Everyone already seemed to be in a cheerful mood that morning, and Tenzō still had yet to deliver the good news. 

“What are we doing today? Can we learn a new jutsu? Can you show us how to do the thing with the-” 

“I’m afraid we won’t have time for any of that, kiddo,” Tenzō appreciated Naruto’s constant enthusiasm, he really did, but he was in for a lot of it that day. “We’ve been assigned a mission!” 

“Oh great, who’s weeds are we pulling today?” Sasuke’s grumbling prompted a few “yeah, yeah’s!” from Naruto. Tenzō had to hold back a laugh, it was like the two of them shared the same one-track mind. 

“No one’s, we’re going to Takigakure!” It’d been three months since the four of them initially became a team, and they’d only been out of Konoha on missions a handful of times. Nowhere as far as another shinobi village though, this was certainly a milestone for them. There was some shrieking from Naruto, a “finally!” from Sasuke, and a tap on the arm from Sakura. 

“Yamato-sensei, what’s our mission gonna be?” Although she was also beaming, her excitement was a little quieter than the other two. 

“Okay you guys, settle down. Sakura just asked a good question. For all you know they might need some gardening down in Takigakure too.” That seemed to gather everyone’s attention pretty quickly, so Tenzō began again. “The village leader’s daughter is getting married, and they ask that we provide security.” 

“No way, we get to be bodyguards? That’s, like, real ninja stuff!” 

“It’s _all_ real ninja stuff, Naruto. Everything we’ve done so far.” 

“Yeah but that stuff was so boring!” Tenzō sighed, getting through to him was starting to get easier, but nonetheless a challenge.

“You can’t expect to get anywhere without first learning the basics. You’ll get it someday.” Unlike his students, Tenzō’s favorite part of working together was all the ‘lame stuff.’ The kunai throwing, aiming shuriken, the fundamentals of chakra, even just reviewing the things that were covered in the academy. Being able to teach them to his team, it was almost like he was learning alongside them for the first time. He never had a mentor, he’d never attended the academy, his knowledge came from Danzo’s limited scroll collection and then later on from Kakashi. The way he learned was awkward, out of order, in bits and pieces. Now he could create a structure, he could make sure these kids were prepared for the world they were bound to enter. 

“Can we go now, sensei?” Sasuke did his best to sound impatient and unbothered, but the grin he boasted wasn’t fooling anyone. 

“Right, let’s go. I can tell you all about how each chakra nature is related on the way there!” Immediately following Naruto’s groan, Sakura piped up.

“I already know all about it! Lemme teach them!” As if he’d say no.

Missions with team seven were, evidently, nothing like ANBU missions. They had to move much slower and mostly on the ground. This didn’t bother Tenzō in the slightest though, he’d had his share of burnt out lungs and trying to outrun the enemy. He’d take Naruto and Sasuke’s bickering or the little song Sakura liked to hum over the deathly silence of stealth missions. This new lifestyle was no longer foreign to him; it was becoming a routine, a routine he was taking a strong liking to. 

It was the middle of winter now, the bare trees fractured the sky with ghostly branches and the air was heavy and hard to breathe in. Tenzō was never very fond of the cold, but the obnoxiously yellow scarf Naruto was wearing and Sakura’s fluffy hat, clearly too big for her, made it much more bearable. He smiled, being around them truly was like living a life he never experienced, while always secretly yearning for. He refused to admit it, but part of him was grateful to Hiruzen for pulling him out of ANBU. Now, he felt like he was recovering from something, filling in a gap he never knew he had.

“Yamato-sensei?” Naruto, all of a sudden, sounding very troubled. Tenzō quickly snapped out of his daze and whipped around. 

“What, did something happen?” 

“I’m hungry!” 

* * * 

The path Kakashi walked along was ridden with cracks, the earth was dry, frozen over, lifeless. He was coming back to Konoha from a mission, Team Ro was ordered to take care of a few rogue shinobi from a nearby village. After splitting the team up to go search for the enemy, he’d received a message from one of Kō’s pigeons within minutes; relieved it didn’t have to be him who had to send out his hounds. 

And so he walked, surrounded on each side by dense woods. Despite the chill, the sun was high and just barely peeking out from behind a cover of clouds. Kakashi’s shadows stretched further as more light became exposed, more and more until he had to shield his eyes. It was quiet, a deep silence just like always, he was sick of it. For months now, there had been an ongoing lull of nothing in the air; keeping him from sleep and weighing down on the base of his neck. Just the hypnotic rhythm of his footsteps wasn’t enough, he wanted to _listen,_ not to hear. A story, a question, laughter, anything, it was like he’d been deprived of sound.

“You have snacks? I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Yamato-sensei!” 

A child’s voice from the woods, but it meant nothing. It wasn’t meant for him, so he walked on. 

“What are-? Are those your dumb walnuts again? I meant real food!” 

They sure were loud, whoever they were. 

“This _is_ real food! They’re packed with Omega-3s, I bet you aren’t getting enough with all that ramen you eat, they’ll do you some good!” 

There was another voice then, but it was different, it was one he could recognize. It sounded far away, much further than just the woods next to him, a place he would never reach. 

“I’ll go find my own food, you can keep your ‘mega threes’ to yourself!” 

“Naruto, wait! Where are you going?”

He wanted so badly to move, but more than anything else to stay put; bathed in the stark sunlight, now fully on display. 

There was a snapping of branches and some more shouts before someone emerged from the wall of trees, someone very little and running towards him. 

“Coming through!” The kid’s voice was shrill, but heavenly against the quiet. Kakashi watched as he disappeared into the adjacent forest, a bright orange into the dull browns and greens.

“Hold on, Naruto!” He was closer now, much closer, how did he get there so fast? Kakashi knew he wasn’t needed, much less wanted here, but he couldn’t just leave. It had been so long, after all. 

“Don’t go too far! Nar-” And out he came, the same as before, next to Kakashi on the disintegrating path. Now, he too was in the sunlight. No longer harsh, just like molten gold caught in a familiar pair of eyes.

“Captain?” Finally, he could listen again. “What are you doing here?” 

“Coming back from a mission.” What _was_ he doing there, besides getting in the way? 

“Oh, duh, what else could you be doing? Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to see you here!” A smile he could never fully learn to hide was creeping up on Tenzō’s face, but it wasn’t enough to make Kakashi feel welcome. Things were no longer the way they used to be, he was just interfering. “How are you? How’s Team Ro?” 

“They’re fine.” 

“And you?”

“I’m also fine.” He’d gotten too ahead of himself, he should’ve gone when he had the chance. Tenzō had no reason to be worrying about him anymore, he should’ve just gone. 

“I missed you a lot, hah, do you wanna come-” 

“Naruto went that way, into those woods.” Of course Tenzō would offer to hang around, purely out of the kindness in his heart, but Kakashi wouldn’t do that to him. He had more important things to deal with. 

“Oh, right, I’ll go get him, you can just-” 

“I have to go meet up with the others.” Tenzō wasn’t smiling anymore and the light was starting to recede, back underneath the blanket of cloud. 

“Right, your mission.” How terribly he wanted to reach out and pull them closer, to toss his mask over his shoulder and let Tenzō drag him along wherever he went. To take a break from the stench of iron and breathe in something rich and sweet. 

“Bye, Tenzō.” However, he belonged elsewhere. He could feel the weight of someone looking as he walked off, but turning around wasn’t an option. 

“Kakashi?” Hearing his name so casually felt almost surreal, but he paused where he stood. “Be careful, okay?” 

“Yeah, you too.” It was a long time before he felt completely alone again; like there was no one watching him anymore, counting each step he took.

* * * 

His new job kept him occupied, but it wasn’t enough to keep Tenzō from the feeling that something was missing. After training was over, he’d always go home where it was empty and the only company was a few houseplants. He longed to share his newfound life with another, he wanted to be next to someone and to tell them about what he dreamed about and to make them breakfast from the cookbook he’d bought for no reason on impulse. But it wasn’t just ‘someone’ he thought of, he knew very well who it was in particular. But now he was walking away from Tenzō, away until absent from sight. 

It didn’t take long to find Naruto, who was crouching on the ground looking through a pile of dead leaves. 

“Come on, Naruto. We can just stop at the next town and you can eat something there.” He sprang up, as if automatically.

“Really?” Tenzō swore he saw shining stars in the kid’s eyes. 

“Yes, really. Just hurry up, we’re not that far ahead of schedule.” He turned and started walking toward the path, Naruto following close behind. 

“Yessir!” After some devilish cackling, he quieted down and pulled on Tenzō’s sleeve. “Hey, sensei, are you good?” 

“Yes, why wouldn’t I be?” He was perceptive as ever, and truthfully, Tenzō was becoming a little rusty on hiding the way he felt. 

“I dunno, before you were normal and now you’re all like ‘blegh,’ you know?” He smiled a bit before ruffling Naruto’s blonde mess of hair. 

“I’m okay, kiddo. Don’t worry.” 

Sakura and Sasuke were waiting on the path when they got there, scolding Naruto for running off as soon as he poked his head out from between the trees. 

“Shut up you guys! Yamato-sensei said we could stop and get food but only if we hurry up! We don’t have _time_ for this right now!” There was a chorus of gasps and the four of them were back on the road. Tenzō heard some whispering from behind him as they went, but he trusted them to figure things out on their own. 

“Is Yamato-sensei okay? He’s so quiet.”

“He looks like someone just kicked him in the face.” 

“He said he’s fine!”

“Are you sure?”

“That’s what he _told_ me Sasuke, are you calling him a liar?”

Indeed, Tenzō wasn’t lying. But he was worried that someone else had been. 

* * * 

Kakashi had been staring at a blank sheet of paper for the past half hour. He had a mission report to write, but he couldn’t bring himself to focus. The pen lying on his desk looked as if it weighed thirty tons and his mind was devoid of anything having to do with his work or the crackle of lightning or the metallic luster of blades. He stood and went to the door, he needed to be anywhere but here. Anywhere but the four walls of the ANBU barracks, grounding him like a prison. 

It was safer outside; the freezing air invited him, it let him forget about his duties for a minute and simply exist. He let himself go to the only place he could think of, he had no need to hold back. No one would see him out here anyway.

Through the thorns, now absent of life and color, among the shriveled berries scattered in the yellowing grass. A place sacred to him, there was only one other left that knew of its existence. 

The lake had frozen over entirely, and it was silent again. Not even the gentle ebb of waves, no breeze to interrupt their constant pattern. The wood, stiff with cold, made no creak as he walked upon it. 

Kakashi ran his palm across the splintering dock, it was nothing like the way he last remembered it. Once brand new and boasting a fullness of life, almost possessing something magic, something warm. Now it was rigid, as if wracked with rigor mortis. 

Even the sky, beautiful and ceaseless, even the sky was barren. No moon or stars to spend the night with, no glimmering reflection to dance across the water’s surface. 

But worst of all was the absence at his side. Perhaps things would be easier if only he had with him the eyes and the hands and the hair and the voice he so adored. Kakashi wished to go back through the drying brambles and see him waiting on the other side, smiling with his teeth and holding out his arms. Perhaps then, he could look something else besides his own hands, staining whatever he touched with a sickly red. 

And then Kakashi was suddenly thankful for this cursed solitude, for there was nothing, no one he needed to hide his face from as he cried. He knew all too well he had to do it again tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now i know what you're thinking. what the hell bro??? but rest assured there is a happy ending don't even worry about it you can trust me i promise 
> 
> the chapter title is a lyric from "sunlight" by hozier an absolute banger listen to it and transcend reality now 
> 
> my twitter is @kakashyee i am like always there just sitting 
> 
> thank you so much for reading as always like i can't believe you actually did that like it means so much to me i do be writing these words only for you to read them?? that's tight as fuck thank you so much i love you to the ends of the universe literally like go ask anyone and they'll confirm it because it's true. thank you <3


	8. driving toward the morning sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone learns something new. Whether it be about poisonous plants, or the most important aspects of being a shinobi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> \- near death experience  
> \- hospitals
> 
> (this is the last chapter of angst)  
> i hope you guys like it, thank you again for reading <3

All his life, people have been telling Kakashi that he shouldn’t give up. 

His father, when he ran into trouble making friends at the academy. 

_“Don’t give up, son! Why don’t you just ask to join their game tomorrow?”_

Minato-sensei, when he couldn’t quite figure out how to refine his chidori.

_“It’s okay, Kakashi, don’t give up. It usually takes us grown shinobi several years to perfect a jutsu like this.”_

Obito, when the two of them would have sparring matches. 

_“You’re not gonna give up that easily, are you? Aren’t you like a kid prodigy or something?”_

Rin, when she tried teaching him basic medical ninjutsu. 

_“You’re almost there, don’t you give up just yet! Medical ninjutsu is way harder to copy than the other stuff, you know!”_

And then of course Tenzō, every time there was something holding him down, keeping him from leaving his room in the morning. 

_“Hey, you were almost on time today, captain! One of these days you’ll make it, don’t give up!”_

He could hear their voices, some with more uncertainty than others, muffled from the gradual fading of his memory. But there was one he couldn’t quite pick out from the crowd, like it’d gotten lost over the years. 

Now, Kakashi was slung over a strong shoulder, purple in his periphery; realizing he’d forgotten the sound of his own voice.

* * * 

“YAMATO-SENSEI, _WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME?!_ ”

Team seven had been graciously assigned a mission in a nearby village, Getsugakure. They were to escort a group of high-profile merchants back to their hometown, and it had gone without a hitch; that is until Naruto’s excursion to the bushes so he could use the bathroom. 

“Naruto, calm down. I already told you, you’ll be fine-”

“MY HAND IS _PURPLE!_ HANDS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO _BE_ THAT COLOR!” 

Tenzō hadn’t expected Naruto of all people to be well-versed in the native flora of Getsugakure, but it seemed that he hadn’t been paying very close attention during the poisonous plant unit in the academy. There were just some things that every shinobi should know they’re never supposed to touch. 

“You idiot! If you keep jumping around like that, the poison’s just gonna spread faster!”

“POISON??” Sakura’s knowledge was usually relieving and very useful. However, now was not one of those times. 

“Naruto, they can easily remove the poison at the hospital. We just have to hurry up before it gets worse.” 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WORSE? AM I GONNA DIE?” Sakura groaned and rubbed her temples, but Sasuke looked unnaturally concerned. It appeared Naruto wasn’t the only one who missed the memo on dangerous plants. 

“Let’s go, you three. We really have to get moving, it’s already been long enough.” The three of them ran; Naruto glancing at his swelling hand every few seconds, eyes growing wider each time. Tenzō was leading them in the front, as the kids still weren’t too well versed on the Land of Fire’s geography. To his surprise though, Sasuke sped up suddenly and appeared at his side, still wearing a worried expression.

“Naruto- he’ll be okay right?” Another genius. 

“It looks scarier than it actually is, Sasuke. He’ll be back to normal by the end of the day.” The Uchiha only nodded and fell back to where his other teammates were, one in the midst of full-scale panic and the other suffering from what looked to be a serious migraine. 

The wind picked up as they entered Konoha, through the gates and under the snow of white petals. Spring was coming soon, and dogwoods were always the first to flower. 

“Hey, wait!” One of the two gatekeepers, Kotetsu, called after Naruto who had quickly taken the lead once realizing where they were. 

“Sorry! We’ve got an emergency!” Tenzō shouted over his shoulder, he knew his panicked student wouldn’t be able to check himself into the hospital, he needed to stay close by. 

Naruto, high off adrenaline, had already barreled through the glass double-doors before Tenzō could catch up and tell him to calm down. 

“HELP! I NEED HELP RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU _SEEING_ THIS?” He shrieked all while holding his ghastly hand up to the poor lady at the front desk. 

“Naruto! This is a hospital, keep your voice down!” Tenzō grabbed his student’s jacket collar and lightly yanked him back. “I’m sorry about him, he’s a little nervous. Is there a nurse who can help us get rid of some poison?” The worker only nodded and got up to check for available staff, all while Sakura took the liberty of scolding her teammate for being rude. 

“Sakura, stop it, what if he dies?” The fact that Sasuke sounded completely serious was becoming a major cause of Tenzō’s concern. 

“IF I _WHAT?_ ”

“Nobody is dying! Be quiet, all three of you!” Though Tenzō had never raised his voice at his students before; there was a certain tone he used that always got them to listen, even if it didn’t come out very often. He pulled them over to the waiting area, but Naruto refused to sit and instead kept his eyes glued on the stretch of tiles down the hallway.

When the receptionist showed up at last with a man at her side, Tenzō hardly had time to get up before Naruto sped over to meet the two of them. The nurse took a quick glance at his hand before chuckling and looking up. 

“This is just Oleander, I can clear it up in an hour or two. Don’t stress, kid.” He put a hand on Naruto’s shoulder and started walking before motioning for the rest of team seven to follow suit. He looked to be calming down, finally. 

The room was cramped with the five of them; between the nurse mixing another round of antidote, Naruto still gagging from his first dose, Sasuke deeply lost in thought, Sakura’s endless questions about components of the medicine, and Tenzō doing his best to stay out of the way near the door. 

“Yamato-sensei, blegh, what’s a guy gotta do to get some normal food around here?” It seemed Naruto’s anxieties had been replaced with hunger and a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“I don’t know if you can eat right now, it might mess up the antidote.”

“Don’t be silly, there’s plenty of snacks in the cafeteria for our patients. He can have something small.” The nurse replied without missing a beat. Tenzō came to the conclusion that he wouldn’t mind a quick walk and some fresh air, so he slipped out just after catching a glimpse of Naruto’s puppy dog eyes. 

He wasn’t fond of how cold hospitals always were, the stark linoleum and fluorescent lights only adding to the atmosphere. It wasn’t as bad now though, he would take some Oleander poison over anything else he’d ever gone there for. The cafeteria was just down the hall, past the entrance and to the right. It was nearly empty that day, most of the seats were unoccupied and he recalled running into quite a few free medical personnel on the way. 

There was someone sitting at the very end of the row of chairs though, it shockingly took him a moment to recognize who it was considering their history. 

“Yugao?” She looked up.

“Kinoe? What are you doing here?” 

“I’m just here with one of my students, what about you? Is everything okay?” Yugao scoffed and flipped back her hair. 

“Take a guess, man. Why would I be here?” Tenzō stayed quiet, and taking the hint she went on. “For your buddy. The captain.” 

“What? What happened?” Yugao’s slight irritation made plenty of sense, as Kakashi was a fairly frequent visitor here. His ridiculously low chakra reserves paired with a tendency to take risks was a dangerous combination. It was a relief to see his former teammate so nonchalant, but Tenzō was still Tenzō.

“Relax, he told me he had chakra exhaustion. _Again._ ” 

“He needs to be more careful, you guys have to remind him, you know.” Tenzō would always be the one in charge of lecturing his captain, mainly because everyone else was either too afraid or just didn’t care enough. He’d usually be able to manage a few sentences before softening up and changing the subject, but he wasn’t around to do even that anymore. 

“You know he never listened before, and he’s only gotten worse. I barely got there in time before the idiot bled out.” 

“Wait, did he get really hurt?” 

“Of course he got hurt, how was he supposed to fight back without chakra? I had to carry him over my shoulder all the way here from Kusa.” She could tell by his expression that her words didn’t really help to ease Tenzō’s mind. “He’s _fine,_ Kinoe. I just don’t get it, this was a B-rank mission, I took down the guys he was fighting in, like, two minutes.” 

“Were there a lot of them?”

“Nah- well- there were some, I don’t know, maybe he was just caught off guard.” 

“Are you sure he’s okay?” Yugao raised her eyebrows and blinked slowly. 

“I told you already, he’s fine. Go see for yourself if you’re so worried. He’s in room twelve. The doctor’s in there right now, I’m just waiting for her to come out so I can get outta here.” Tenzō swallowed hard and nodded. 

“Thank you, I’ll just- I’m gonna-”

“I gotcha. I hope your kid feels better, by the way.” She leaned back and sighed, clearly tired too. 

Tenzō turned and went, almost automatically. He hadn’t even a moment’s thought before deciding to pay Kakashi a visit. Sure, none of this was out of the ordinary, but on a B-rank mission? For a shinobi like him? And what Yugao said, that he’d only gotten worse as of late. He already seemed off when the two met by the woods on separate missions, and that was three months prior. 

He could hear a faint voice from behind the door, it must’ve been the doctor. He couldn’t make out what she was saying because his ears were ringing and the wall was too thick, but it was alright, he’d just ask when she came outside. Standing off to the side and tugging on the splitting ends of his hair, he knew he couldn’t be gone for too long, his kids were still waiting a few rooms away. But she was probably almost done talking, just a few more minutes. And besides, Kakashi was okay, Yugao said he was okay. 

Then again, she had no idea what was going on inside his head, no one had a clue. What was he thinking, what was he going through? Tenzō was suddenly aware of how little he knew, how little he’d always known. Sure he’d ask the questions, but then they’d just be avoided, what’s the point of asking again later? But what Yugao said, that he’d gotten worse. 

There was a metal click and a woman wearing green stepped forth, something rested in her hands as she scanned Tenzō up and down. 

“May I help you?”

“Is he okay? The patient in that room?” She turned the papers away from him, most likely Kakashi’s chart, while the door snapped shut. 

“He is fine. He’s getting some rest now, he’ll have to stay here for a few days. Visiting hours will open tomorrow morning.” A few days? That didn’t seem right. 

“Is his chakra exhaustion that serious?” 

“What? No, his chakra is almost at full capacity. His wounds just need some time to heal before he goes back to work.” She paused for a second to see if Tenzō had anything else to say, but he just stayed quiet. “Excuse me.” A few hushed words, and then he was left alone. 

_“Of course he got hurt, how was he supposed to fight back without chakra? I had to carry him over my shoulder all the way here from Kusa.”_

He did have chakra, he had plenty of it. So why didn’t he defend himself with jutsu? Perhaps the injuries from the enemy were too severe. 

_“I just don’t get it, this was a B-rank mission, I took down the guys he was fighting in, like, two minutes.”_

No, that’s not right, they couldn’t have been strong enough. Yugao was an extremely talented shinobi, but no one on that team was more skilled than Kakashi; he should have been able to do it by himself. 

The only explanation for all of this, the only reason Tenzō could conjure up was that he _chose_ not to fight back. What’s more, he felt the need to cover it up and lie to Yugao. 

Tenzō recalled being worried about leaving his friend alone, but it was clear that his concerns were in the wrong place. This wasn’t loneliness, this was something that had been building up for over a decade, each year Kakashi was in the ANBU. 

And for a person like him, who cared with every ounce of himself, who would sit and listen until he fully understood exactly what someone was going through, the effects of such an organization were inescapable. No matter how much he tried, he could never get used to taking the life of another, he would never just become numb to it. This mission must’ve been the final straw, he wasn’t able to do it again. 

Perhaps because of his time in the Foundation, Tenzō didn’t put the pieces together back when they were both on Team Ro. Even when he knew something was wrong, even when he could plainly see his friend’s hesitation or the way his mood changed when returning from a mission, he just couldn’t figure it out. Now though, he’d been exposed to a completely new experience, he was in charge of watching over three very new lives. 

Tenzō could see now, this was something far beyond himself. Even if he went back to the ANBU, it would only be a matter of time before something like this happened again. 

His friend needed help, he really needed help, but he wouldn’t ever ask for it himself. 

It was alright though, Tenzō reassured himself while placing a hand on the metallic number twelve before him. He finally knew what to do, and he swore to get it done no matter what.

On his walk back to his team, he still felt sick. If only he’d realized sooner, it never had to get this far. 

“Finally you’re back! What the heck took you so long?” Naruto, he was never shrill or bothersome. All he did was foster joy in everyone he met, a truly remarkable child. 

“Hi sensei! The nurse said we could go home as soon as he comes back!” Sakura, it wasn’t important that she was still unsure of her future. She was so brilliant and willing to help, she’d become one of the greatest shinobi Tenzō had ever seen in no time. 

“He said we have to stay for a little in case there’s complications with the stuff he gave Naruto.” Sasuke, not in the slightest bratty or cold. His true compassion was pure but reserved, he just needed some time to open up. 

Tenzō smiled, yes, he knew exactly what to do. 

“D’you bring me something?” His words were slurring, he was probably getting drowsy from the medicine he took. 

“Oh, I’m sorry kiddo, I got a little lost. Are you doing okay?” Tenzō had forgotten why he even left in the first place, but it was coming back to him now. 

“Yeah, of course m’fine, m’just hungry.” 

“I wanted to make sure, lemme go get you a snack.” 

But by the time he returned, Naruto was fast asleep and Sakura shushed him as soon as he walked in. He waited with them until the nurse showed up, all in silence to make sure they didn’t wake their teammate.

“If he’s able to sleep so soundly, he’s good to go.” The nurse popped in with a thumbs-up and disappeared again just as quickly when Tenzō nodded. 

“Do we wake him up?” Sasuke whispered, barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“I’ll carry him, he’s had a long day. Let’s all walk together, okay?” They nodded and Sakura sprang up to hold open the door while Tenzō scooped up the sleeping child carefully as possible. 

Tenzō was relieved to finally leave the building, it was as if he’d been there for days. He felt uneasy as the four of them passed room twelve, but he knew it’d just be temporary. 

The outside air was warm and accepting, there was a faintly sweet smell of flowers. There was a gust of wind, Naruto huddled a little closer and Sakura caught hold of Tenzō’s sleeve and Sasuke sneezed before wiping his nose. They were just kids, the three of them. This was nothing like the ANBU, nothing at all. 

“R’we at my house ‘lready?” Naruto slowly looked up from his headrest on his sensei’s shoulder once they reached his doorstep. After rubbing his eyes for a moment, Tenzō gently set him down on his feet and watched the other two, the way their faces lit up. Their joy upon seeing their comrade standing up again was proof, this was truly becoming a team. 

“Today’s been a weird day, huh?” Tenzō asked, receiving a mumbling of ‘mhmm’s’ shortly after. “Why don’t we take the day off tomorrow, no need to meet for training, okay?” There was evidently a unanimous agreement. “Okay. Let’s all wish Naruto a goodnight.” 

“Goodnight Naruto! Get some rest!” 

“Goodnight, feel better.” Tenzō turned to his yawning student and smiled.

“Goodnight, kiddo.” 

Next up was Sakura, whose parents were probably wondering where on Earth she could be considering what time it was. 

“Tell your parents I’m sorry for bringing you back so late, okay?” 

“Don’t sweat it, sensei. They know that I’m gonna be a top-notch shinobi someday, they’ll just have to get used to it!” She grinned and Tenzō didn’t doubt her for a second. “Goodnight, Sasuke! Goodnight, Yamato-sensei!” The two remaining said ‘goodnight’ in unison while watching Sakura wave and shut the door. 

“Ready, Sasuke?” He nodded without tearing his eyes from where they were fixed and began walking towards his own home. 

Sasuke had shown a new side of himself that day, not once picking a fight with Naruto or complaining. The pair walked in complete silence, both left only with their individual thoughts. Tenzō decided only to speak once they arrived. 

“You were extra quiet today, was something bothering you?” Sasuke, despite his age, refused to make himself appear vulnerable. Now though, there was no one else around to hear this. 

“I was just worried. I'm fine.” 

“About Naruto?” There was no response, but that only made the answer more clear. Tenzō kneeled to align his own eyes with the Uchiha’s before speaking again. “Sasuke, there’s nothing wrong with worrying about your teammates. It’s what makes you a good friend.” He smiled because it couldn't be helped, because he wasn’t only saying it to the boy in front of him. “For a shinobi, caring about someone else can be even more important than knowing a bunch of jutsu. You’ve really grown a lot, I noticed that today.” 

“Really?” It was always a little harder connecting with Sasuke, as he was much more closed off than the other two. But Tenzō was beginning to understand him just as well. 

“Really. Go on, now. And try to sleep in a little.” Tenzō stood while his student rushed inside, beaming in spite of the weariness. 

Then there was just Tenzō, and he was afraid. He was afraid for his own friend, just as Sasuke was. 

But, he thought, looking in the direction of the Hokage’s tower, he finally knew exactly what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay this is THE last chapter that's like all angst the rest will be just the Good Shit i am serious you can trust me on this one. it's spring now so obviously. you know
> 
> are they..... you know. yeah they are anyway
> 
> my twitter is @kakashyee i am always there having no thoughts come see if you don't believe me
> 
> okay. now. it is time for me to yell about how much i appreciate you reading this because literally oh my god i feel like no one would want to and yet here you are?????? bro??????? PLEASE marry me right now deadass. ok thank you again <3


	9. i just won't let go, 'til we both see the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenzō pays a visit to two very different people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> \- mentions of death (few)
> 
> there isn't really any angst in this chapter don't worry i didn't lie to you last time  
> also thank you for reading and i hope you loike it <3

It had been a while since Tenzō last paid a visit to the third Hokage. All his missions were communicated with whatever messenger birds the old man sent his way, so there was no reason for them to come face to face. Tenzō wasn’t particularly disappointed, as he didn’t have a very strong affinity for Hiruzen. His respect towards their village leader was dwindling as well, judging by the stories Naruto relayed to him about being neglected as a child. However, some things couldn’t be helped. There was nowhere else to turn this time. 

There were a few ANBU guards circulating the halls, but they let him pass upon recognizing who it was. It was getting late, but Tenzō figured that he’d rather get this out of the way as soon as possible instead of waiting till morning. 

He’d thought about what to say on the walk over, worrying that his argument wouldn’t be convincing enough. But now, standing before the office doors, he realized it wasn’t that important. He wasn’t leaving until he got what he came for. 

“Kinoe? What brings you here at this hour?” The Hokage was sifting through the pool of papers on his desk, clearly not interested. 

“Lord Hiruzen. I have a serious concern.” 

“Oh? Does it have to do with your new team of Genin?” 

“No, sir. It’s about a member of my old ANBU squad, Kakashi Hatake.” Tenzō’s greatest fear regarding all this was his friend being angry with him for prying, they weren’t even on the same team anymore; and they hadn’t been for months. “I ask that you relieve him of his current duties.” But no amount of time would change the way he felt, it seemed. 

“I beg your pardon?” His eyes shot up from the paperwork. “Why would I do that?”

“You know as well as I what he’s been through regarding his past teammates and family. And he’s been in that organization for almost twelve years now, the work you expect from him is making it impossible to recover.” 

“What evidence do you have for such a claim? Kakashi is one of my best men.” Tenzō knew this would happen, Kakashi’s skill would be valued over his overall health. 

“He’s in the hospital right now, recovering from injuries he received during a _B-rank mission_. Along with this, he lied to his teammate about chakra loss. This leads me to believe that he refused to defend himself from the enemy.” Hiruzen stared blankly, perhaps not expecting him to actually have something to back his point up. 

“Even ANBU make errors. This is no reason for me to remove him from the roster.” 

“Lord Third, you aren’t listening.” No respect, he had no respect for him. “I’m not asking you to transfer him because he slipped up, it’s because he’s been there for too long. Throwing him into a job like that not only prevents him from getting better, but it makes his trauma worse.” Tenzō remembered watching his friend clean his hands in a crystalline stream, checking every few seconds for something that wasn’t there. He stared into the Hokage’s eyes, still peering and unconvinced.

“There is no way I’m letting two of my finest ANBU go in the span of a few months.”

“Let me take his place, then he can-”

“You know you’re the only one who can watch over you squad!” Tenzō stayed quiet for a moment, he was starting to get desperate and saying whatever he first thought of. 

“Lord Hiruzen, please reconsider. I would have come here earlier if I had realized, but I didn’t have enough experience to understand Kakashi before. He is suffering, he has been for a long time now.” 

“He has served me well for many years. I’m positive he’ll be fine once he gets back on his feet.” Tenzō was starting to lose his patience. 

“I understand that you only see him as a puppet, but think of it this way, what use is he to you if he’s dead?” The emotional approach wouldn’t work here. 

“What?”

“He was saved by a comrade today, but what if no one’s there next time? As I said earlier, this wasn’t a mistake. He didn’t want to be responsible for taking anymore lives, so he decided not to retaliate against the enemy.” He hated hearing the words as soon as they left his mouth. It was sickening, referring to Kakashi as a puppet, mentioning his death. “Judging by what I’ve seen and heard today, it’s quite possible he won’t return from the next mission you send him on.” 

“Kinoe, this is-”

“I am not going anywhere until you agree. You can drag me out by my heels, but I will come back.” Tenzō didn’t even want to hear what the man had to say, rank be damned. “I’m not going to watch my friend die because of ignorance. You need to let Kakashi heal.” He said everything he needed to, if Hiruzen shut him down again, he’d let the anger building up take over. The Hokage reached into a drawer and pulled out a slip of paper, locking eyes with Tenzō. Simply put, he looked pissed. 

“I will reassign Hatake as a regular Jonin-rank shinobi for two months. If nothing changes in that time, things go back to the way they were.” He held out the slip. “But I need to hear it from him. Have him sign this, and after the time is up he must come here and tell me how he wants to continue.” Before Tenzō could even reach for the form, he spoke again. “I have copies of his signature on file, so I suggest you don’t try to forge it.” He wasn’t planning on it. 

“I’ll bring this back as soon as I can.” He did his best to mask the surprise in his voice, this didn’t take as long as he was expecting. Now, he just needed to get out of there before Hiruzen had the chance to change his mind. “I thank you, Lord Hiruzen.” He said nothing in response, just huffed and returned to whatever lied on the tabletop before him. Tenzō bowed his head in gratitude regardless and turned towards the exit.

Outside, he took a look at the paper in his hands. _Temporary Leave._ It had been pointless to ask for more time, anything at all was already a miracle. But two months? Compared to twelve years? 

No, it would be enough. Enough for something, even the smallest change. This wasn’t a lost cause, he was going to make it. Both of them, they were going to make it. 

Tenzō folded the form once, then once more, into four equal quadrants. The day, now coming to an end, had drained him entirely. But still, he was at peace, for there was now a weight of hope in his pocket. 

* * * 

Robins were chirping that morning, it was the first time Tenzō woke to their song that year. It must’ve finally become warm enough. It was still chilly that early, but the sun would surely warm things up by noon. 

The hospital was on the other side of town, so there was plenty to see on the way there. He waved to Ino, one of Asuma’s students, through the window of her flower shop. Gai’s voice was shouting somewhere in the distance, followed by an echo which must’ve been Rock Lee. All of Kurenai’s team was together in the dango shop, feeding scraps to a begging Akamaru. Tenzō smiled, thinking that his three kids were most likely still asleep; maybe he’d run into them that day on accident. 

The same receptionist as the day before was working, it looked like she remembered him too. She offered to lead Tenzō to the room, but he politely declined. It was just down the hall. 

Kakashi was just a few knocks away now, and he had so much he wanted to ask. He wanted to know if his friend had read any new books lately, if the potted plant Tenzō had given him was still doing well, if he’d been to any new places on missions, the things he always used to know the answers to. 

What was he thinking? Kakashi could just tell him again. 

“Yeah?” His voice was low, he must’ve just woken up. He was always a light sleeper, but Tenzō still hoped it wasn’t the knocking that did it. He was suddenly aware of how empty his hands were, no flowers or even a snack to eat, he’d rushed on over as soon as his feet hit the floor. Nothing but the little square in his pocket, but it was enough for now. 

“Hi, Kakashi.” He decided to stray away from calling him ‘captain,’ he did have a name after all. 

“Tenzō? How come you’re here?” As he sat up, Tenzō noticed that he looked older, even in the short amount of time that had passed. 

“I came to see you, what’d you think?” He did his best to smile, he thought it’d be easy seeing Kakashi again. But not like this, not like the ghost he so closely resembled. 

“How did you even know I was here?” 

“I was here with one of my kids yesterday and I ran into Yugao.” If only he could just let himself give in, sit on the edge of the bed and hold his friend close, whisper words that meant nothing but still sounded nice. It wouldn’t solve anything though, not right now. 

“Oh.”

“Are you feeling okay?” A question that really had no meaning. 

“I’m fine, just chakra exhaustion.” Tenzō glanced downward and sat on the stool by Kakashi’s bed. It was painted yellow, now chipping away slightly. He knew he’d be lied to, but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow and form a response. 

“I ran into the doctor too.” Even his eyes, panned away from Tenzō, looked different now, like they were pleading to shut. “That isn’t why you’re here.”

“Oh, so you came by to lecture me.” Kakashi’s voice was soft, like he was saying something that didn’t belong in his mouth. Like there was something else he was stifling. 

“No, I didn’t. Look at me for sec,” Whoever his adversary was, they didn’t go easy on him. Bringing down Kakashi of the Sharingan would be quite an accomplishment, especially if he wasn’t even trying to fight back. His bruises would go away though, the cuts will fade with time. “I know it was on purpose, and I understand why.” He rested his hand on Kakashi’s, who surprisingly didn’t protest. “You’re sick of it, aren’t you?” 

It was quiet for a little, save for the light buzz of an air conditioner. 

“I don’t know what you mean.” His gaze was drawn back to the covers. 

“I mean the missions you have to go on.” Kakashi looked troubled upon hearing this, perhaps because he wasn’t expecting Tenzō of all people to figure things out. But then again, there was no one paying closer attention. 

“It doesn’t matter if I am.” 

“How come?”

“Because, Tenzō, I can’t just leave. It’s been too long and it’s my job.” 

“Do you want to quit?”

“I already told you, it doesn’t matter.” He was stubbornly holding something back, the lack of certainty in his voice gave it away. Tenzō was pretty sure he knew just what it was. 

“It matters to me.” He squeezed Kakashi’s hand once and went on. “I don’t want you to hurt so much anymore.” There was no way to wipe the slate clean and start over, but that wasn’t his goal anyway. 

“This isn’t your fault, you don’t need to worry about it.” _You don't need to worry about it,_ it almost sounded like a joke.

“I know it isn’t my fault. It’s because of the ANBU.” Tenzō decided it was best not to start talking in circles. “Which is why I talked to the Hokage last night.” 

“What?” Finally there was something else on Kakashi’s face, something other than apathy.

“He’s willing to let you take a temporary leave. To see if you’d rather be a regular village Jonin.” 

“You went to Hiruzen?” Tenzō reached into his pocket and produced the folded form, still in awe that he even got a hold of it. 

“He gave me this for you to sign. It’s only for two months, and you can decide yourself what you wanna do after it’s over.” There was a pen on the bedside table, but he’d brought another just in case. 

“Why did you do all this?” Because this was Kakashi. Kakashi, who had made a comfortable corner in Tenzō’s head, always the last thought before he drifted off to sleep. Kakashi, the first person who tapped right into his heart and spilled out its contents for the both of them to see. Kakashi, he was the sky at night, every distant planet among the scattered stars.

“Because I want you to feel better.” _You have no idea how important you are to me._

He didn’t say anything, so Tenzō set the paper down next to him and looked away for a moment. The last thing he wanted was to force Kakashi, he wasn’t even sure he could. But if the man’s stubbornness locked up his mind from this opportunity, well, Tenzō hadn’t thought of a solution yet. 

“This is really from Hiruzen?” A question for himself most likely, as he could plainly see the Hokage’s seal in the top right corner. He read it over once, twice, maybe even a third time. 

“I’ve met all the other Jonin, they’re a little chaotic but just as welcoming. After a few missions, you’ll be, like, one of the guys,” He smiled when Kakashi finally looked up at him. “And besides, I’ll be around too.” Through all of this, Tenzō had barely registered that they would be together again. It suddenly hit him now, sometimes they’d be assigned the same mission and Kakashi could help him train with team seven on his days off and he’d need a place to live, right? Where was he going to find an apartment in the next couple of days? 

“You’ll be around,” He echoed, already holding the pen. Kakashi’s signature was unintelligible, just the letter ‘K’ followed by a squiggle. He re-folded the paper along its existing creases and handed it to the grinning fool beside him. How sweet it was, not feeling like he had to suppress the joy washing over him, dripping from the tips of his fingers. He hoped, maybe in time, Kakashi would do the same. 

“Thank you, Kakashi,” Tenzō reached once more for his hand. “I’ll go take this to Hiruzen before he forgets or something, he is kinda senile after all.” There was a little smile on his friend’s face, he felt like he was glowing. “And they’re letting you eat, right?” A nod. “Well then I’ll bring you something when I come back! And also we need to catch up,” He stood and walked backwards a few steps. “I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?”

“Yep.” Tenzō was stuck to the floor for a moment, the idea of seeing Kakashi every day again, seeing him smile just like he was right then, it was incredible. 

He was incredible. 

* * * 

Kakashi still wasn’t sure how. How the two of them ended up in the same place at the same time again, how Tenzō found out the real reason he was there, how he won over Hiruzen, and how the hell he hadn’t thrown in the towel already. 

His plan was to protest, he didn’t want to cause trouble and mess anything else up. Tenzō looked so happy, he didn’t want to intrude and take up space where he wasn’t welcome. Oh, but how could he? With sunrays coming through the window, as if they were made solely to adorn the man next to him. How could he, when his selfish heart did the thinking, and, God, he’d missed Tenzō so much. 

He’d been alone for a few hours now, a nurse came by to check his vitals once, but otherwise it was just him and an empty stool. Though he tried not to, Kakashi couldn’t stop himself from glancing up from his book and at the door each time there were footsteps in the hall. The hospital was busier that day, so he didn’t end up flipping many pages. But he said he’d be right back, didn’t he?

After finally giving up on reading, he decided to try for a nap. He hadn’t been successful the night before, but this time there was less dread keeping him awake. Someone was knocking before he could drift off however, picking the best time as usual. 

“Ooh- I didn’t wake you up did I?” Kakashi turned and sat up to face his friend in the doorway, who was holding a paper box. 

“No,” Tenzō, smelling like garlic for some reason, sat down and blinked. 

“How are you? Hungry?” He looked very excited about something and suddenly Kakashi could actually hear his heart pounding because he’d forgotten the last time he saw something so lovely. 

“A little, how about you?”

“I’m great, okay, get a load of this,” he pulled wrapped chopsticks from his pocket and opened the box, pointing to its contents. “You’re never gonna believe it but I _made_ these,” roasted eggplant, already cut into little slices. “I got the idea from a cookbook so it wasn’t all me but, you know.” Kakashi didn’t even remember _telling_ him about liking eggplant. He always got it as a side on the rare occasion they ate out, but he usually just opted for a food pill or instant noodles. “Here. Tell me what you think,” he held out the snack. “Oh, and be honest.” 

Obviously it was good, whoever wrote that recipe clearly knew what they were doing. But no one had actually cooked something for him since he was a child, and Tenzō made this _himself._ He’d figured out how much salt to add and he minced the garlic and he clearly tried to make all the pieces the same size, and he did it for Kakashi.

“I really like it, thank you.” He reminded himself to slow down before eating the box too. 

“Really? Then I’ll make it for you all the time!”

“Huh?” 

“Well you’re living with me, aren’t you?”

“Wif you?” He should’ve probably swallowed before talking.

“I mean, I can try to find you an apartment while you stay here, but I just thought it might be easier.” 

“No! I just- I don’t wanna bother you in your own house.” He raised his eyebrows.

“Oh please, I think me and my seventeen plants could use some company. And ‘bother me?’ Kakashi, I haven’t seen you in months. Did you forget that you’re my best friend?” Maybe he was just being nice, maybe he was just taking pity. But the idea of being close to him again was completely, overwhelmingly perfect in every single way, and so Kakashi said nothing. “So?”

“Only if you’re sure you’re okay with it.” Tenzō scoffed and leaned forward onto his elbows.

“I’m sure. And besides, I already built you your own room.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did u like the way that ended? yeah good get used to it
> 
> also the chap title is from "friend, please" by twenty one pilots (super bop)
> 
> my twt is @kakashyee i am there all the time like a foo straight posted up
> 
> okay now here we go the classic ruvi crying about how thankful she is that u read this and omg u are the best person alive thank u so much i hope you have a beautiful day and u stay healthy and safe and cute i love you so so so sos os sosososo much teehee


	10. i'll grow a new kind of evergreen tree, just for you and me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi's has a day unlike any other, and Tenzō can't bring himself to stop smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> \- none bro 
> 
> it is almost sickening how soft this chapter is but i can't help it i hope u enjoy <3 also this is longest chapter so far have a blast

Kakashi woke up to the smell of vanilla and sweetened butter. It took a minute to understand what was going on, but then he remembered. He’d been released from the hospital the evening before, and Tenzō, perhaps unsurprisingly, upheld his offer of letting Kakashi stay with him. He didn’t remember much because of the painkillers in his system, but he must’ve crashed as soon as he hit the bed. 

There were slippers on the floor and his door was open just a crack. Tenzō was already awake, probably making breakfast for them. 

“Oh, you’re up!” He was in pajamas, stirring something in a metal pot. “Do you like cinnamon? Should I add some?” Kakashi was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that the first thing he saw that morning was his friend cooking rice porridge in a pair of ridiculous flannel pants, so he needed a bit to actually process the question.

“Just make it how you always do, it doesn’t matter.”

“Will you still eat if I add it?” Truth be told, Kakashi already forgot what ‘it’ was, instead focusing on how long Tenzō’s hair got since they were on Team Ro. And also how he had yet to comb it.

“Sure.” He nodded and reached for something in the cabinet over his head, and Kakashi still had no idea what to do with himself. 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t add that much sugar.”

“What?”

“‘Cause you don’t like sweet stuff, right?” Kakashi didn’t quite come up with a response before he started again. “You can sit down, it’s almost done.” There were already two bowls on the table, both accompanied by wooden spoons. 

“Did you sleep okay?” Tenzō asked after he sat down, and the truth is, he had. Perhaps it was just because of the hospital's drugs, but he couldn’t remember the last time he slept through a night without waking once. 

“Yeah.” 

“You’ll be glad you did,” He turned with a smile and turned off the stove. “We’ve got a long day today.” Kakashi had no clue what ‘long day’ entailed, but based off his friend’s soft expression, he didn’t need to worry about it too much. “Careful, it’s hot!” Tenzō warned him while pouring the steaming porridge into one of the dishes. 

“Hey, you put way more into mine.” He rolled his eyes and put the pot into the sink. 

“I’ve had enough of this stuff in my days. And besides, I don’t like eating a lot in the morning.” After sitting down, he stared Kakashi down until he finally tried the breakfast.

“It’s great, Tenz. You can start eating now.” He scoffed and started blowing on his own spoonful. Even though Kakashi took a little longer, Tenzō waited at the table until he finished every last drop. All the while filling the kitchen with endless yammering, bless his liquid golden voice. Something about starting a herb garden, he didn’t know a thing about herbs, but he wouldn’t mind hearing about them till night time came. 

“You done? Go get dressed, I’m not letting you show up late this time!” The new uniform was folded neatly on his nightstand, in green a few shades darker than Tenzō’s. He’d bought a special kind of shirt with the mask built in, Kakashi didn’t even ask him to. Tenzō was waiting by the door, suddenly grinning as he walked out. 

“Look at you,” Kakashi sighed. “What? It looks good!” He opened the door, stepped aside, and they were on their way. The house seemed much smaller from the exterior, almost like a cottage. Even considering all the years Kakashi had lived in Konoha, he’d never seen any building like this one. Tenzō clearly brought this place up himself, incorporating his own unique style. Albeit strange, it was so comforting just knowing he could stay under a roof his friend had built with his own hands, even for a little while. Behind the walls covered in ivy, where it was always so warm, where feeling joy wasn’t unnatural. It almost hurt how much he longed to keep on living there, but was it really his place?

“Okay Kakashi, before we start training I gotta give you a little briefing,” Tenzō snapped him for his daze with a nudge and kept talking. “First of all, call me Yamato.” 

“Why?”

“Hiruzen told me to go by a different name since I won’t be in the ANBU anymore,” he paused. “I guess he didn’t give you one yet.” This was probably because the Hokage just assumed Kakashi would go back after the two months was up, a name change would be pointless. “You’ll hear the kids calling me that, it won’t be hard to get used to.” 

“‘Kay. Yamato.” 

“See? You already got it,” He took a deep breath. “Now for the kids, they can be a bit of a handful. Let’s start with Naruto, he’s the one who almost ran into you a while back,” Kakashi remembered him, short and clad in orange. “He can be a little loud and all over the place, but he’s a sweetheart. Also, this won’t be the first time you hear this today, but he has a dream of becoming the Hokage. He doesn’t know Minato was his father and Hiruzen forbade me from telling him for some reason, but he idolizes him regardless. I’m sure he’ll wanna hear some of your stories from when you were on Lord Fourth’s team.” 

“Right.” He could still hear Minato’s voice now, when he told their team he and Kushina were having a baby. Everyone was so young then. 

“Then there’s Sakura, you’ll love her. I think she’s smarter than the rest of her team put together, me included. She keeps asking me when we’re gonna go over genjutsu, but I’ve kinda avoided it because it’s really not my forte,” He scratched the back of his neck out of embarrassment. “I mean I’ve studied some scrolls but I haven’t gotten that far yet. I was thinking you could help out, if you wanted. You’re a lot better at it than me, after all.” 

“Sure, Tenz.” _I would do anything for you._ “I can even give you all a clone test, if you haven’t done one already.” 

“Perfect! That’ll make her really happy!” He looked so relieved, this must’ve been troubling him for a while. “Okay, lastly there’s Sasuke. That’s Itachi’s little brother, but I wouldn’t mention that name. Sasuke told me he planned on killing him a few months ago; and it seems like he’s straying away from that goal, but you know.” Tenzō clearly cared about his team, he took so much time to understand the kids he was put in charge of. “He knows a few fire-style jutsu, but he doesn’t fully comprehend change in chakra nature. He must’ve been taught the process at a young age, now he’s gotta cover the basics. Also, he has yet to awaken his Sharingan, but I have a feeling he’s pretty close.”

“That makes sense.” They were almost at the bridge now, and Kakashi was starting to get anxious. Thankfully his friend had provided him with a job, he could work on genjutsu with Sakura, but could he really teach her well enough? What if he wasn’t able to explain it right? 

“Now we wait, they should be here soon.” Tenzō was leaning against the railing with his arms crossed, making it harder and harder with every passing second to feel nervous. _As long as you’re here with me, maybe this will all be worthwhile._

“Yamato-sensei, who’s this?” This must’ve been Sakura, the team’s Kunoichi. 

“My friend Kakashi, he’s gonna help us train today,” then he kneeled and whispered. “He knows a lot about genjutsu, by the way.” The girl’s face lit up suddenly. 

“I’m Sakura, it’s nice to meet you, Kakashi-san!” He nodded and shook her little hand, doing his best to reciprocate a smile. 

“Who is he?” It wasn’t Naruto, so the only other option was Sasuke. 

“Yamato-sensei’s friend! He’s gonna help us learn genjutsu!” She beat Tenzō to the introduction, still beaming from a few minutes before.   
“Well it’s about time.” Sasuke eyed his sensei while he spoke; and judging by the nervous laughter, Tenzō really must’ve been putting this off. When he was younger, he tended to stay away from things he wasn’t inherently good at, apparently that habit stuck around. 

“Who’s the old guy, Yamato-sensei?” And here was Naruto. 

“He isn’t old! He’s helping you all train today, this is my friend Kakashi.” 

“Of course _you’d_ be friends with old people.” The child laughed and Sasuke tried to hide his snickering. Tenzō looked horrified watching the scene unfold. 

“Kakashi is an extremely capable and brilliant shinobi. You two should be honored that he’s willing to teach you.” 

“I don’t mind, Yamato.” His new name would be hard to remember after using ‘Tenzō’ for so long. Technically it meant ‘heavenly creation,’ but for the longest time Kakashi just thought of it as a mere nickname. He didn’t quite know when it happened, when that all changed, when his friend became almost ethereal in his eyes. 

“You’re lucky he’s letting you off the hook!” Tenzō warned his kids. “Now let’s go, we have work to do.” Kakashi watched as the four of them marched on, Sakura leading the group out of enthusiasm. He almost forgot to follow suit, he was a part of this now too. For all he knew it could’ve been just for that day, but it didn’t matter right now. 

They stopped in a wide field, peppered with dandelions in different stages of life. Some still yellow, others already feathery, losing seeds with every passing gust of wind. There were wooden posts etched with kunai marks a short ways to the right, yes, this looked to be the team’s usual spot. 

“We’ve explored a bit about ninjutsu and taijutsu, but I have a feeling our knowledge on genjutsu is pretty limited, right?” Sakura opened her mouth to speak but Tenzō beat her to it. “Except for you, of course.” She smiled proudly and nodded. “Today we’ll start with a clone test, it’s used to find out how resistant you already are, and when it comes to genjutsu, the more you can withstand it, the more compatible you are to actually casting it.” Naruto grumbled something about not wanting to take another test, Sasuke said nothing. “Kakashi, I’ll let you take over.” 

Then all eyes were on him, waiting, watching, expecting. Some were familiar but most were not, but their gazes didn’t antagonize, there was no hostility or intent to hurt, only simple curiosity. 

“This is really easy. I just cast a genjutsu and you tell me how many clones you see. Most people your age should probably see between fifteen and twenty.” 

“You’re gonna put us under _genjutsu?_ ” It was Naruto, expressing his concern. 

“It’s the most basic kind, it doesn’t hurt or anything, I promise,” He should’ve said that before, what was he doing scaring them like that? Had he forgotten that these are kids?

“Naruto,” Tenzō chimed in suddenly. “You’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’ve had it done a bunch of times, it’s just to see where you are.” Immediately the child relaxed; it was obvious, they really trusted their teacher. 

“Are you all ready?” And even before everyone agreed, Sakura was demanding to go first. 

She ended up only seeing six. 

Sasuke saw exactly fifteen.

Naruto, after a few denials, admitted to seeing twenty-two. 

“How come I saw so many? Your test is stupid!” He was pointing fingers at a wildly confused Kakashi while Tenzō laughed off to the side. 

“You wanna know how many I saw the first time I took that test, kiddo?” Even Kakashi could recall, but it was pretty hard to forget. “I saw twenty-nine. And I was, like, eleven years old.” It was surprising; Tenzō wasn’t necessarily one to boast, but he never, ever revealed his weaknesses so casually. Now though, as his kids were doubled-over in laughter, he was beaming, nearly radiating his own light. 

After several hours had mysteriously passed, Kakashi felt like he was caught in a different reality. Every day in the ANBU took so much out of him, time crawled by like sap down a tree trunk and by the end of it all he was surprised he could still stand upright. Now the sun was already creeping toward the west and Tenzō was yawning from fatigue. 

Kakashi had talked with all the kids during training, but they were probably just counting the seconds until he left them alone. 

He started out with Sakura, who was still on a high from excelling during the clone test. It was clear that she was already too advanced for basic genjutsu practices, she could move on to things like paralysis or hallucinations. The two of them worked out how genjutsu affects each of the five senses, and she continued to shock Kakashi with her vast knowledge, only asking minimal questions. 

“My friend Ino can use mind-transfer jutsu, is that like genjutsu?”

“Not exactly, but you’re on the right track. Both techniques target the nervous system.”

“Specifically the brain, right?”

“Right.”

Later he noticed Sasuke training ninjutsu by himself, he was having a bit of trouble forming a big enough fireball. He expressed his frustrations when Kakashi came over, and so he explained that Sasuke’s strengths may lie in another chakra nature. He promised to bring by a few sheets of chakra receptive paper the next time they saw each other, but that only made Sasuke more upset.

“What’s wrong?”

“My dad tried teaching me this jutsu, but I still can’t figure it out.” 

“Just because your innate nature may not be fire, that doesn’t mean you can’t develop it as you get older. It’s just easier to start out with what you’re already predisposed to.”

“So I can still learn it?”

“You can.”

Then there was shouting from down the field, evidently produced by Naruto. Tenzō was next to him patiently waiting out the complaints. The child was falling behind his teammates in chakra control, and it was weighing down on the confidence he had in his skills. It was no secret to Kakashi why he had so much difficulty after taking a quick look at him.

“Why can’t I do it but they can!”

“Because you have much bigger chakra reserves.”

“Yeah, Yamato-sensei already told me that, I don’t even know what that means.”

“It means that it might take you a little longer to actually manage your chakra, but in future battles, _you’re_ gonna be the last one standing.” 

“Wait, really?”

“Really.”

Training was over but he was still full of energy, unusual for this time of day. The five of them were arranged in a circle, following Sakura’s stretching routine she insisted upon.

“So, Kakashi-san, are you a Jonin too?” It made sense they wondered about him, he was a complete stranger after all. 

“Yes.” 

“You are? Who’s stronger then? You or Yamato-sensei?” Naruto piped up, letting go of his toes that he could barely reach. 

“He is,” Kakashi looked over at Tenzō, who had just finished saying the same thing. 

“Are you kidding me? You were Ro’s captain, not me.” 

“That doesn’t mean I’m stronger, and besides, I was captain for a while. You’ve surpassed me by now.”

“Kakashi, you literally _taught_ me.”

“That was, like, a million years ago.” The two of them could’ve definitely gone on arguing if it wasn’t for Naruto’s sudden interruption.

“Fight! Fight! Fight! I wanna see!” Tenzō looked surprisingly intrigued, despite the way he was rubbing his eyes a few minutes ago.

“Wanna spar?” He got up with his hands on his hips. “Taijutsu only though, otherwise we’d have to find another place to train tomorrow.” He was smiling awfully big for someone who’d just challenged Kakashi Hatake to a taijutsu match, but denying him wasn’t an option. 

“They’re gonna fight! Sasuke, who do you think’s gonna win? How ‘bout you Sakura?” While Naruto was placing bets, the two of them walked over to a more open space. Kakashi couldn’t remember the last time they sparred, there wasn’t much time between ANBU missions and sleep was precious during every spare moment. Now though, the day hadn’t felt like something poisonous and the sweetness of Tenzō’s voice upon asking if he was ready filled his head with colorful stars.

After only a few blows, Kakashi was reminded that this wasn’t the same Foundation boy worrying about each and every step he took. He didn’t hold back, he used everything he learned, he used it and made it his own. In the midst of trying to dodge his opponent’s fists, he realized how much pride he was feeling. _Tenzō,_ he thought, _you’ve gotten so strong._ On every single level, his mind, body, spirit, he was remarkable; he had always been. 

And it was for that reason that Kakashi wasn’t just going to go easy on him. He’d totally lucked out because of the no-ninjutsu rule, Tenzō could throw all the punches he wanted. This was the one time where he simply wasn’t going to be fast enough. Kakashi was notorious for tripping whoever he fought without them ever noticing, their back just hit the ground and it was over. He had Tenzō pinned in one swift motion, the shock in his eyes all-too telling that his mind was still catching up to what just happened. Sure he’d come a long way, but he was always falling for the same tricks. 

It didn’t mean anything if he did, though; because no matter what, Kakashi would always be on his side of the battle. Always.

* * * 

“One, two, three! Whoa!” All three of the kids chanted in unison. “I can’t believe Yamato-sensei lost! I totally thought he had it in the bag!” Tenzō, on the other hand, knew his fate before the spar even began; he reached for the hand his friend held out and got up while his little teammates continued jeering. 

“You’ll get me next time, Tenz.” Kakashi’s tone was different than anything he’d heard all day, it was lighter now. 

And he was laughing now too, a sound that put even the most renown songbirds to shame. Tenzō wanted to hear it over and over and over again, he wanted to see his friend happy, because as long as he was happy, as long as he had something to smile about, maybe everything would be alright.

“You really let the old guy beat you?” Naruto giggled behind his hand while poking Tenzō, who only rolled his eyes. 

“He’s not old.”

The group headed into town, all content after a productive day. Kakashi stayed silent the entire time, save for a ‘see you later’ once they reached someone’s home. Walking next to him was so peaceful, like sitting next to a window during a summer rainfall. Occasionally Tenzō pointed out some of his fellow Jonin so his friend could at least remember a few names, but otherwise, the two of them simply listened to the surrounding bustle of Konoha. The gentle presence next to him was all the comfort he needed. 

They reached their destination far too soon, he would’ve gladly went on for hours. But, he realized, Kakashi was going with him, he’d have someone to close the door behind. 

“So,” he began. “Did you have a good day?” The other glanced over at him with a faded expression. 

“I did, I just-” His voice faltered, as if he debated whether or not to say the next part. “I’m sorry, Tenzō.”

“What do you mean?”

“For getting in the way.” 

“You weren’t in the way.” 

“I don’t you need me around.”

“Kakashi,” He’d gotten to know his kids over the past few months. Sasuke wouldn't listen so intently to someone he didn’t like. There was no way Naruto would make fun of someone he felt uncomfortable around. And Sakura was never so quick to ask questions of someone she didn’t trust. “If you don’t show up tomorrow because you have a mission or something, they’ll ask about you. I guarantee it.” He didn’t look anymore convinced now than before. 

“You guys just have your own thing and you’re so close. I don’t wanna bother you.” 

“That’s the last thing you need to be worried about.” Tenzō pulled him closer by the forearms and slid his hands into the other’s. “You have no idea how happy I am that you’re here.” This wasn’t a time to act proud or tough, he needed to say what was truly on his mind. “It’s dumb, I know it is, but every day I walk those kids home and then I’m alone, there’s no one to go with me.” He tore his eyes from the floor he was so fixated on and continued. “And today, knowing that you were gonna be by my side-” He was starting to get off track. “You’re right, our team is close, I’m grateful for being able to spend time with them. But at the end of the day something was always missing.” 

“Tenzō-” Perhaps he planned to say more, but he ended up stopping there. 

“I missed you,” _There isn’t a single thing I don’t love about you._ “So much.” 

“I did too.” 

“I’m not doing any of this because I feel bad or feel obligated,” Finally, something was changing in Kakashi’s eyes. “I genuinely want to, and I want you to be here.” _Here, close to me, so much it hurts._ “So, tell me you believe me, and if not,” They still had time. “Then that’s okay too.” 

“I believe you.” Or, at least, he wished he could, completely right then. But he would get there, that was something the both of them understood. 

Tenzō smiled; because he had someone there with him, and because he couldn’t have asked for anything more. 

He pulled down Kakashi’s mask to kiss him on the face, right where his cheekbone jutted out a little. 

“You don’t need to force yourself.” _Force myself?_

“I know, I didn’t.” _Even if a million kisses was all it took to make you feel better,_

“Okay, good.” _I would still kiss you a million and one times._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is kissing the homies gay? tenzo asked and i'm not sure poll below 
> 
> anyway y'all................. this fic is ending i NEVER thought i would finish this like there is ONE MORE CHAPTER? bruh??? also i am so sorry this was probably WAY too soft but u know what i am going through a tuff time rn and this is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better so anytime u see someone's thoughts in italics just know........ that WAS very much needed
> 
> the chapter title is from "it's u" by cavetown an absolute bop 
> 
> if u wanna talk on twitter it is @kakashyee and i am there all the gosh darn time
> 
> and LASTLY. u will get a much longer paragraph at the end of next chapter but still. thank u so so so sososososososossoososososo much for reading it means the whole world to me that u would ACTUALLY DO THAT i love u so much and i hope u stay safe, healthy, and happy :,) thank u again


	11. i couldn't utter my love when it counted, but i'm singing like a bird 'bout it now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi finally makes his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:   
> \- this is the last chapter there is nothing. 
> 
> listen i know this is 67 months late BUT! i decided it was time so i wrote it all in one day and now it's here hope u enjoy i love u if you are reading this <3

Kakashi had been given eight weeks to spend apart from the ANBU. 

On the first week, he met the village Jonin he’d be working with. He’d even been challenged by Gai, clearly the most energetic of the bunch. First it was a race, then push ups, he even found a way to make eating sushi a competition. It was unusual at first, but Kakashi would be lying if he said he wasn’t having fun. 

Then came the second week, where team seven became acquainted with his ninken. Sasuke was, perhaps unsurprisingly, more of a cat person; but the other two kids made up for it. Naruto even tried to smuggle Bisuke home with him, to which Kakashi had no objections. 

During the third, Kakashi let it slip that the Fourth Hokage was once his squad captain. Naruto was ecstatic, asking questions he must’ve been pondering for a while now. It took a lot of willpower not to tell him who Minato was besides just a Hokage, but this wasn’t the time to get in trouble with Hiruzen. 

On the fourth, Sakura had quickly become proficient in casting genjutsu. So proficient in fact, that Tenzō had been tricked into treating them all to lunch wordlessly for nearly a week before catching on. Shockingly though, he was much more proud of her then angry. 

And then the fifth, where Sasuke had nearly burned all five of them to a crisp with his jutsu. His persistence during training had finally paid off and he was overjoyed, accepting high-fives from his teammates without so much as an eyeroll. 

All throughout the sixth week, one by one, the kids started referring to Kakashi as their ‘sensei’ just like they did with Tenzō. He wasn’t sure if he deserved the new title, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything about it. 

The seventh week, Kakashi had finally memorized what Tenzō named all his plants; even though he kept getting confused between “Leafy” and “Kakashi Junior.” 

Now it was the eighth week’s final day. Tenzō had been watching his friend’s progress the entire time, all the while straying from mentioning anything about the ANBU. He was also sure not to ask about Kakashi’s plans after the two months were up, it was best not to pressure him in that regard. However, it didn’t help that the question was constantly boiling over in Tenzō’s mind at any given moment. 

Still, he’d really never seen Kakashi like this. He wasn’t glowing, nor was he smiling up at the sky and greeting every stranger on the street. But with every new morning, he looked more and more rested. And at some point, he even started telling Tenzō about the missions he’d gone on without being asked. Gradually, their voices found a balance within the house’s walls, it was the two of them now. 

Tenzō found himself changing too. _It isn’t my house anymore_ , he thought, _this is our house._

They were walking side by side; Kakashi on the way to the village gate, bound for a mission. Tenzō was supposedly off to regular routine training, but he had something else in mind for the day. Pakkun was also in tow, following close behind. Today the kids were going to be “learning about summoning animals.” 

“Good luck out there,” The pair had stopped right where Tenzō needed to turn left. “You’ll be back before sundown, right?” 

“I should be, yeah.” His smile, even behind the mask, was so natural and sweet; it felt like watching the sunrise, Tenzō could nearly see the pinks in oranges in watercolors across the sky. 

“Well I’ll see you then.” He didn’t know what he’d do if Kakashi for some reason decided upon going back to the ANBU. What would he do, what would he do? It was their house now. 

The bridge wasn’t far now, and while he pressed on, Tenzō thought about his plan for the day. He’d been second-guessing the idea for a while now, until ultimately deciding to go for it. 

“No Kakashi-sensei today?” Sakura showed up early as usual. 

“Nope, he’s on a mission.” Though it only happened a few times, the two of them did end up on the same squad. It was nothing like being on Team Ro, and for that, Tenzō was grateful. He could tell how much his friend preferred regular Jonin-rank assignments, how relieving it must be for him without a burden of killing on his shoulders, without the expectation of leadership. 

It was only a few times, but it became crystal clear when their comrades called him ‘Kakashi’ instead of ‘Captain.’ Even from a distance, Tenzō could tell he was breathing easier. 

When the rest of team seven made an appearance, their sensei decided it was finally time to share his plans for the day. 

“Do we have a mission?” Naruto asking this question has become routine at this point. 

“Yes, actually, and it’s an important one.” 

“Really!? Where are we going, sensei?” Tenzō smiled at their enthusiasm, though the three of them showed it in different ways. 

“To the market!” The excitement quickly faded into confusion. 

“You mean our mission is to help you with your grocery shopping?” Sasuke raised an eyebrow. “Count me out.” 

“Come on you guys, don’t you want to help me throw this party?” 

“Party?” They said it in unison, suddenly all ears again. 

“Yes, well, kind of. It’ll just be the four of us. And Kakashi,” He smiled. “It’s for Kakashi, actually.”

“Huh? But it’s not even his birthday?” Naruto scratched his head. 

“I know, it’s not for his birthday. It’s just to let him know how much we appreciate his help.” Tenzō was reluctant for a while, worrying that it’d make Kakashi feel guilty in case he planned on returning to the ANBU. However, his friend really had been an invaluable asset to their team; and Tenzō was sure the kids would agree wholeheartedly. “I’ll need you three to help me prepare everything, we only have until Kakashi comes back from his mission.” 

“Well let’s go, Sasuke, Sakura, come on!” The lack of follow-up questions, the way they took off running, it only became more obvious. The kids loved him too. 

It was still early, so the market wasn’t crowded yet. This was convenient, considering Naruto picked up just about everything and asked ‘can we buy this?’ 

He had a clear idea of what he needed, knowing all of Kakashi’s favorite foods by heart. This would be more of a family dinner than a party, Tenzō strayed from planning anything extravagant. He looked up from his list to see Sakura scolding Naruto for trying to steal a pack of ramen while Sasuke defended his honor. _That’s right_ , he thought, _we’ll have a family dinner._

Tenzō gave his kids jobs to do as they walked home, he was sure they’d get everything done in time. Naruto demanded a more difficult task, claiming that he ‘knew what he was doing, unlike everyone else.’ Still, Tenzō decided to save most of the work for himself. Besides, he’d already tried making everything at least once. Kakashi was picky and Tenzō wasn’t always a fan of his choices, but just being able to cook for someone else always made up for it. 

His house was never very loud or lively, even with Kakashi around. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing as the two of them had a mutual appreciation for quiet, especially after a long day. Though it was out of the ordinary, Sasuke clanking plates together as he set the table and Naruto checking the oven every two minutes and Sakura washing mushrooms one by one, somehow they all fit perfectly together. Tenzō smiled over the warm crackle of oil in his pan, it wouldn’t be long now until Kakashi got home. 

Pakkun was curled up at his feet, most likely shielding himself from getting stepped on by one of the kids. Tenzō had barely noticed him until now, but he had the most important job of all; to warn them when he sniffed out his owner to make sure everything was ready on time. 

“Yamato-sensei! I’m taking it out now!” Naruto was already reaching into the oven, sleeves lazily pulled over his hands to keep from burning himself. 

“Whoa, It’s okay, I got it!” Tenzō wasn’t keen on cracking open a first aid kit on his kitchen floor, especially not right now, even if it meant Naruto was a little disgruntled. 

Slowly, the table started filling up and stealing bites of food without Tenzō noticing became a competition among the kids. He caught them most of the time, even while staying occupied at the stove. Just as he finished and turned it off, Pakkun took it as a cue to get up and stretch. 

“Our guest of honor’s gonna be here in ten minutes, get working on those finishing touches.” Tenzō patted him on the head and gave him a biscuit from his troubles. 

“Thank you, Pakkun. You can go now if you want.” The dog only grumbled and went to look for a different place to lie down. Maybe he was just hoping to get some scraps from the table. 

“You guys hear that? Kakashi’s gonna get here soon!” The three of them were huddled together, whispering about something, but Tenzō got their attention. 

“Well it’s about time! It’s already getting dark!” Sakura pointed to the window, they were all getting impatient. 

He never told them that Kakashi could potentially leave after sticking around for two months, to avoid any unwanted questions or them trying to sway his decision in any way. What’s more, Tenzō never anticipated how close they would all become; though it brought him immeasurable joy. He worried that the kids would be upset if Kakashi suddenly left, but it became less and less likely as he thought about it. 

Tenzō could see it, he could see his friend becoming more and more comfortable. He could tell when Kakashi teased him about his hair being too long, when he’d go on about whatever book he just finished; or sometimes, when it was still early, and he’d put his arms around Tenzō who was making tea for the both of them. How could he leave now, when he’d be taking so much away with him? 

“Pakkun, how much longer?” Naruto was holding his stomach, nearly drooling over the dinner they’d prepared. 

“He’s right outside.” All four of them gasped in unison. 

“WHAT? Well what do we- do we hide?”

“No, just stand here-”

“I’m gonna hide!” 

“Naruto, get over here!” Sakura grabbed hold of his jacket just as the door swung open. 

* * * 

“Surprise!” Kakashi was sure all of them said it, though it certainly wasn’t in unison. 

“What’s going on-” he was cut off by Naruto and Sakura, hugging him from both sides. Sasuke walked over with his hands in his pockets and Tenzō followed close behind, laughing into his hand. 

“We threw you a party! Aren’t you surprised?” He looked up and grinned through a mess of blonde hair before letting go and pulling Kakashi toward the table. “Look! We made you all your favorites, even the gross stuff no one else likes,” He smirked before finishing his sentence. “I did most of the work while these guys stood around, though.” 

“Naruto!” Sakura shouted while the boy cackled and dodged her fist. 

“Can we eat already?” Sasuke asked, hoping to dissolve their conflict. 

“He’s right, the food’s getting cold. Come on.” Tenzō motioned them all over to the table, he looked so happy it almost hurt. The way his smile widened when their eyes met made Kakashi’s heart bloom and turned the air sweet, there was no medicine in the entire world that could measure up to seeing him again after a tiring day. 

The five of them sat around the table, Naruto at the head, Sasuke and Sakura on one side, Kakashi and Tenzō on the other. Pakkun was already stationed beside Tenzō, who would always give in to his begging for scraps.

“Okay you guys,” Sakura began, looking back and forth between her two teammates. “let’s _start eating._ ” They nodded in agreement and reached for their utensils. Kakashi did the same, all the while hearing Sasuke whisper something about ‘acting natural.’ 

He didn’t know where to start, it was pretty clear that whoever cooked all the food put a whole lot of care into it. Kakashi didn’t think twice before beginning to eat, then getting startled by a chorus of gasps from the other side of the table. 

“HE TOOK IT OFF!” Naruto pointed at his unmasked face and the other two high-fived. Anytime they’d all eaten together prior to that day, Tenzō had strategically distracted them to preserve the big secret. Somehow though, it didn’t seem as important anymore. Kakashi only rolled his eyes and kept chewing. “Your face is honestly kinda lame, sensei.” The kid almost looked disappointed. 

“Naruto, weren’t you complaining about being hungry a few minutes ago?” Tenzō questioned and passed him a plate of vegetables, making it clear that he had no chance of refusing to eat them.

Kakashi loved the quiet dinners he was able to share with Tenzō, but having the kids there felt completely new. Sure there was rarely a breath of silence, but he wouldn’t mind getting used to this. He didn’t have to say anything, he could just listen and that’d be enough on its own. 

It wasn’t long before they were all full, the food really was delicious. He remembered Tenzō saying he wanted to learn to cook when they were younger, though he never got around to it then. He could always do just about anything he set his mind to, that was just the kind of person he was. 

“You guys can just leave the dishes in the sink, I’ll wash them when you go home.” Unsurprisingly, Tenzō didn’t get any complaints and instead was only met with the clatter of plates. 

“Do you have a mission tomorrow?” The kids all flocked around Kakashi, who was sitting on the countertop with Pakkun in his lap.

“Nope,” He hadn’t even bothered to pull up his mask. “Not tomorrow.” Tenzō, who was putting leftovers into tupperware, glanced over at the rest of his team before walking over to join them. “Yamato-sensei, what are we doing tomorrow then?” Naruto, despite his tired eyes, was enthusiastic as ever. 

“I’m not sure yet, kiddo.” 

“Better be somethin’ cool.” He said through a yawn. 

It wasn’t long before they decided to head home, all the food they ate contributing to their sleepiness. Tenzō and Kakashi stood in the doorway waving them off, reminding them to get enough rest that night. 

“Bye Kakashi-sensei! Bye Yamato-sensei! See you guys tomorrow!” All three were beaming as they waved back, their happiness contagious. Tenzō shut the door and turned to face him. 

“Did you like dinner?” He asked as if it was a genuine question. 

“Of course, Tenz.” Kakashi wondered what he did to earn it, but he was learning to think of things in a different way. 

They washed dishes together, Tenzō cleaning and Kakashi drying; to the sound of an impromptu lecture about the mushrooms they’d eaten, and to the scent of strawberry dish soap. Every now and then, Tenzō would look up to make sure his friend was still listening and evidently, he always was. 

Once they finished, Tenzō stretched his arms and left to go take a shower. Kakashi, who was exhausted, decided that he was ready for bed.

He fell asleep to Tenzō’s soft singing, just loud enough to hear over the water. It was times like these, when he was alone with his thoughts, that Kakashi realized just how much he adored this man. 

* * * 

Tenzō had just barely begun to drift off when he heard a gasp from the room next door. He peeked through a crack in the door to see his friend sitting up with a hand to his chest. 

“Kakashi? What’s wrong?” He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair, still keeping his gaze lowered. 

“Nothing, just a bad dream. I’m sorry I woke you up.” Tenzō sat at the edge of the bed and searched for his hand in the dark. 

“You didn’t, are you okay?” Kakashi finally looked up, warm with relief that he wasn’t alone.

“Mhmm…” He mumbled and tightened his hold on the other’s hand, debating whether or not he should say what was on his mind. “Will you- uh-” He didn’t want to be asking too much, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to let go. “Will you stay?” 

Tenzō was shocked, despite how long he’d known his friend, he couldn’t remember the last time Kakashi had asked for help or company. He understood how hard it must've been to get here, and he was overwhelmed with emotion; pride, joy, hope. 

“Scooch.” He pulled back the blanket and lied down beside Kakashi, reaching for his hand once more. He left a few moments of quiet before finally asking the question he’d been mulling over for weeks now, it seemed like the right time. “Will _you_ stay? Here with me, I mean.” He held his breath. 

“I thought you already knew the answer was yes, Tenz.” He could hear the smile in Kakashi’s voice. 

“Oh?” Tenzō propped himself up on his elbow and scoffed. 

“Wait- I mean-” Kakashi turned to him. “I can find somewhere else to stay! You don’t have to like, accommodate me anymore, I feel like I’ve kinda been mooching off you, I mean you already have a lot to worry about-” He was cut off by a light pressure on his lips, it was Tenzō, leaning down to kiss him.

“You can just stay here, I don’t mind.” Kakashi’s mind needed a second to catch up before he could answer. 

“Are you- are you sure?” There must’ve been something funny about the way he said it, considering how hard Tenzō laughed. 

“I thought I made it pretty clear, you need me to kiss you again?” 

“Maybe, yeah.” 

And so he did, again and again and again, until he decided he could wait till the morning to do it once more. 

He rested on his side, pressing their foreheads together just barely, waiting for Kakashi’s breathing to even out. 

Once Tenzō was sure he’d fallen asleep, he shut his own eyes too. 

“I love you.” He muttered quietly. 

And then, he wasn’t completely sure, but he thought he heard someone say “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well folks................ yeah......... i mean come on what were u expecting obviously it was gonna end this way. 
> 
> also the chapter titles is from "shrike" by hozier a cool song 
> 
> also also if u want to Speak with me my twitter is @kakashyee AND i also have a tumblr its @tenzohatake but i don't do much on there. 
> 
> now. it is time for me to cry. listen y'all......... this was the first fanfic i have ever written and i truly am in shock that ANYONE even read it at all u have NO IDEA how much it means to me that u people would take the time to do that. and some of u leave me COMMENTS??? HELLO??? I WILL SERIOUSLY MARRY U RIGHT NOW IF U DON'T STOP! I REALLY WILL ACT UP DO NOT TEST ME!!! like u think i'm joking but i am so grateful that u guys actually read this and. and just thank u so so sosos so sos so much i appreciate u more than u could ever know. me and tenzo and kakashi are all in love with u i hope u know this. thank u again u angels please stay safe out there i love u.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading this, it means the absolute world to me that you'd take the time to do so! i love you sm!! if you wanna come scream with me on twitter i'm @kakashyee !!! lets be mutuals!!
> 
> also, the title of this fic is a lyrics from the song "wait by the river" by lord huron, and the chapter title is a lyrics from "camp adventure" by delta sleep. both of them are wonderful songs/artists, i recommend checking them out!!
> 
> thank you again for reading, chapter 2 will be out soon! (and it will probably be longer, this one rly short jsjdhsjdhh)


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